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Prose before hoes.

Critical Analyses: How Does Barack Obama Fit So Many Cocks Into So Few Holes

As a preface, I will state that I used an absentee ballot to vote for Barack Obama in the 2008 Presidential Election.  I do not regret the action, despite the discrepancies between my expectations for Mr. Obama’s Presidency and the underwhelming reality that came to be.  Anticipation can be damning, and certainly a portion of this discontent is a consequence of faulty human wiring on my part.  Considering the economic and societal conditions of The United States that Barack Obama inherited, The President has done a commendable job.  Sadly, what I expected was a ‘transformative’ job, to quote Chris McGowan.  Mr. Obama has proven himself to be a man of many faces, and to expect anything else from a politician was personal delusion.  I was sold one thing and delivered quite another, and for that I’m remorseful, but I’m still going to vote for the fucker next year.  He is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the lesser evil, and our only hope in slowing the inevitable destruction of our nation.  Also, my NCAA bracket has outperformed his for two consecutive years and I want to keep the streak alive.

I do not affiliate myself with any political party.  I affiliate myself with reason.  As a result, political discourse is about as comprehensible to me as whale songs.  American politics, like art, music, film, literature, private ownership, labor, puppies, love, has been poisoned to the point of collapse by centuries of greed, indolence, self-interest and corruption.  What was founded purely and honestly was taken for granted, abused to the core, then eaten alive from the inside out.  This is human nature, to maximize one’s benefit while minimizing one’s amount of effort, to capitalize in every way possible.  Barack Obama understood this, and he sought to change it.  For that I commend him.  For the fact that he executed these changes halfheartedly, and, when he failed, resigned to that failure wholeheartedly, for that I ask, how does Barack Obama fit so many cocks into so few orifices?

To the best of my knowledge, Barack Obama has eleven total orifices: one asshole, one cockeye, one mouth, two earholes, two eye sockets, two nostrils, and the faux-orifices created by the Oing of his left and right hand.  This figure theoretically allows accommodation of eleven cocks’ simultaneous insertion into these orifices.  With creative allotment in conjunction with stretching exercises, a potential of thirteen cocks could achieve simultaneous insertion.  Unfortunately, Obama has signed too many cum checks for his orifices to cash.  Cocks come in all shapes and sizes, and for Obama the cocks are distributed among three discrete categories: The Consensual Cocks, The Non-Consensual Cocks, and The Ambiguous Cocks.  To demonstrate, let us enumerate the cocks that Obama is constantly sucking, fucking, hand-jobbing every second he’s alive, and their respective allocations.

The Non-Consensual Cocks

Cock 1: The GOP Cock fucks Obama in the asshole.

Cock 2: The Tea Party Cock fucks Obama in his right ear, wrongfully deems it a ‘mindfuck.’

Cock 3: Israel’s Rancid Zionist Cock fucks Obama in his right nostril.

Cock 4: The Decipticock, The Cock of Megatron-Obama’s true master-fucks Obama in the mouth.

The Consensual Cocks

Cock 5: The Liberal Media Cock fucks Obama’s right eye.

Cock 6: The Rightwing Media fucks Obama’s left eye.

Cock 7: The Sarah Palin/Michele Bachmann Uni-Vagina of Delusion fucks Obama’s cockeye.

Cock 8 & Cock 9: The Cocks of The Weapons Corporations and Commercial Corporations simultaneously fuck Obama in the mouth.

Cock 10: The Sterile Five-Sided Cock of the Pentagon-The Pentacock if you will-fucks Obama up the left nostril.

Cock 11: Wall Street’s Bull Cock is jerked off continuously by Obama’s right hand.

Cock 12: Due to size constraints, China’s cock can only fuck Obama’s left ear.

The Ambiguous Cock

Cock 13: Obama’s Own Cock, which he masturbates furiously in his dominant left hand.

With the cocks identified, let us transition to a cock-by-cock analysis, and how each cock manages to get off by way of Mr. Obama’s passivity.

The Non-Consensual Cocks

Cock 1: Since his inauguration, Barack Obama has been getting rusty trombone fucked, in the butt, by Republicans.  Befitting the political symbology, being butt-fucked by an elephant cock for that long makes you look like a total ass.  The problem is: Obama lets it happen.  Over and over and over and over and over and over again, and, at the moment of climax, that elephant is going to pull out and splooge right in the face of America.  Again and again, Republicans raise total inanities-Obama’s citizenship, religious background, whether he smokes Marlboro Reds or Lights-to subjects of national interest.  Again and again, they sell an economic system that is EMPIRICALLY DISPROVING ITSELF OUTSIDE OUR FUCKING WINDOWS to the American public.  Again and again, they sabotage the American economy in hopes of election in 2012 and Obama refuses, refuses to shed even a under-door sliver of light on the fact.  Again and again, the Governor of Texas asks Texans to pray for rain and again and again this is looked over by people with functioning nervous systems.  Maybe Obama likes to be fucked in the butt by an elephant cock?  Before we can determine that we must first see that elephant cock in relation to the other cocks Obama is accommodating.

Cock 2: The Tea Party cock, like the Chinese cock, is a small, yet determined cock.  Typically, when there is a tiny cock pumping endlessly into one’s ear, one’s reaction is to remove the cock, potentially violently, and command the cock to stop.  Obama, alternatively, has allowed The Tea Party cock to “keep on keeping on.”  It takes roughly thirty seconds of a Colbert Report episode to ascertain that the Tea Party is a collective founded on fallacy, predicated on displaced frustation and a litany of infantile demands.  Somehow, thanks in part to Obama’s inaction, this marginal group has commandeered a demonstrable chunk of the political sphere.  Which would be wonderful, if they weren’t racist rightwing extremists that have shown fitfully that present day American political discourse amounts to nothing more than a screaming contest.  Instead of pointing out the utter lunacy and inconsistencies innate to The Tea Party, Obama lets them say and do whatever they want, to no consequence, if not to reward, like a spineless PC parent, patting his child’s head as the kid torches the house.  Way to go!

Cock 3: The Rancid Zionist cock is a difficult cock to approach, physically and metaphorically, as it relates to religion.  For those unfamiliar with religion, religion is the easiest way to justify unconscionable, horrible, inhuman, unjustifiable acts.  To summarize, thousands of years ago a couple of people transcribed a few word-of-mouth ghost stories, and, thousands of years later, a majority of our planet earnestly and vehemently view these ghost stories as divine writ.  An analogy would be: thousands of years in the future, humans worship The Giving Tree as an irrefutably true account of the past, the word of God, the main moral compass for how to steer their lives.  Only thing is: that would make considerably more sense and a far, far better world.  Unfortunately, we have The Bible, which is in fact a beautiful, surreal, timeless collection of stories that preaches entirely the opposite of the evils that so many have perpetrated in its name for centuries and centuries.  Zionism is one of these evils.  According to the ghost stories, a worthless stretch of desert was promised by God to the Zionists thousands years ago.  Unfortunately, there are already people inhabiting that worthless desert, The Palestinians, who have ghost stories of their own.  Since World War II, The United States has unilaterally supported the Zionists in their quest to reclaim their rightful property, or The “Called It” Argument.  In response, The Palestinians quickly adopted the classic playground strategy of the “Here First” Retort.  No progress has been made in sixty-odd years.  No progress will ever be made in forever-odd years.  Thousands of people have died needlessly, which happens every day, but why the body bags need a United States seal of approval on them I can’t for the life of me tell you!

Cock 4: Anyone that watches Fox News knows that Obama is actually a humanoid developed by Megatron, sent to numb the world into total obedience, facilitating a Decepticon invasion.  Obama must constantly suck the Decepticock as an appeal for The Decepticons to enslave humanity as opposed to exterminating humanity.  In that, he is noble, and, judging by his other noble pursuits, The Decepticons will likely end up doing whatever they want regardless.

The Consensual Cocks

Cock 5: So often in life does that which enables become that which destroys.  Whereas the conservative media was unflagging in its support of George W. Bush-regardless of the quality of his leadership-the liberal media has oscillated between criticism and apathy in regards to the President since he took office.  Not by coincidence, the liberal media cock is almost indistinguishable from the rancid Zionist cock.  They are the ones responsible for Transformers, Tranformers: Rise of the Fallen, Transformers: Dark of the Moon.  They are, along with the spineless democrats, the reason that Republicans ran rampant in the midterm elections.  Oprah.

Cock 6: In the past three years, Glenn Beck has made $96 million dollars.  Over that same interval, 18 million children starved to death!

Cock 7: The Sarah Palin/Michele Bachmann Uni-Vagina of Delusion is an airborne, magical, toxic vagina similar in nature and composition to a flying carpet.  The Uni-Vagina seeks to undermine and then eradicate all progress made by women since The Feudal Ages.  Fearful of alienating the female vote in the 2012 Presidential Election, Barack Obama lets two certifiably-insane women slander him endlessly with absolutely no repercussions.  Michele Bachmann condemns government spending while collecting farm subsidies and using taxpayer dollars to fund her husband’s Christian brainwash clinic.  She truthfully believes that she communicates with God personally, that her foray into politics was galvanized by divine testimony.  According to Mrs. Bachmann, carbon dioxide has no adverse effects on the environment, multiple Nobel-Prize winning scientists believe in Intelligent Design, eliminating the minimum wage would eliminate unemployment entirely, and that, quote, “Black families were better off under slavery than in Barack Obama’s America.”  Sarah Palin is like that but a bit dumber.  Barack Obama probably likes being fucked by The Sarah Palin/Michele Bachmann Uni-Vagina of Delusion, but once that vagina gets off, it’s going to go immediately to sleep, leaving the President with The Crippling Blue Balls of Regret, Blue Balls he may have avoided, had he been man enough.

Cocks 8 & 9: One of the first motions passed by Congress under Barack Obama was the elimination of all restrictions on a corporation’s endorsement and financial support of a political candidate.  In the time since, a time in which this disheartening fact was carted to the increasingly cluttered attic of American concern, Obama has simultaneously deep-throated the cocks of weapons corporations and commercial corporations, endlessly.  He allowed extension of the Bush Tax Cuts.  No corporate loopholes were eliminated in the most recent Debt Ceiling Package.  Neither of the wars he promised to end were ended.  The world’s largest corporation, GE, was declared tax exempt.  None of the needless military bases taxpayers support in Germany and Japan were closed.  This would all be well and good, if it any way economically benefitted anyone save a distinct, privileged minority of the population.  Moreover, corporations are the antichrist of capitalist institutions.  For instance, up until recently, Walmart made practice of taking out clandestine, lucrative life insurance policies on their employees.  This would all be well and good, if the employees were in any way aware of these policies, or if the families of the deceased received any portion of the resulting monies.  As you can imagine, this was not the case.  What Walmart would do was research its employees’ families medical histories, pinpointing those most at risk to cancer, aneurysms, heart disease, etc. and take out high yield policies in their name, without the individual’s conscious consent (The consent given was in the fine print of the Walmart employment agreement, an agreement that stretches roughly one hundred pages of fine print).  When that person would die, Walmart would collect millions in the person’s name.  No portion of this payment was given to the families of the deceased in any of the hundreds of cases.  Needless to say, this is about as evil as evil gets.  Needless to say, Obama would rather suck these fell dicks than risk becoming a one-term President.

Cock 10: McGowan assured me this was one of the cocks.  My best guess is that The Pentagon is where Megatron lives? Or other aliens, maybe?  Are Transformers considered aliens?  I suppose so, although, they are inorganic.  Without question, the creatures that originally inhabited Cybertron and built the Transformers were aliens.  I’ll have Chris weigh in on the questions presented here and report back.

Cock 11: The problem with The Stock Market is this: What once was physical is now an abstraction.  Only, in Wall Street’s case, the abstraction doesn’t serve the metaphysical, a pursuit of greater knowledge or peace.  It serves only greed: the making of money into more money and more money into still more money by every possible means necessary.  Never before has the disconnect between capital production and real profits been so drastic.  I would attempt to explain the despicable nature of “short-selling” stocks, but the act makes my frontal lobe seethe, turns my heart into a shot put that plummets through me with little regard for my organs.  Every day investors are taken advantage of.  Everyday on Wall Street brokers and investment bankers capitalize.  These are the people to blame for the financial crisis.  These are the people that stacked financial derivatives atop financial derivatives atop financial derivatives, that stacked until what was real-the original security-couldn’t even be seen, and they made money off of every tier of that deceptive tower.  These are the people that were in no way punished.  Obama chose to look the other way, to the distance, where his portfolio shone like gold.

Cock 12: Obama has done nothing to combat China’s crushing dominance of industrial manufacturing.  Since 1995, 50,000 American factories have shut down.  Obama’s predecessors were able to obscure the fact-Clinton lucked into being in office when the Internet became a necessity, Bush lucked into doing everything else so wrong that no one cared.  Obama has done nothing-Nothing-to combat this trend.  No subsidies or tax breaks were given to companies that observably created jobs, opened factories, introduced new technologies.  Instead, he invested in the wrong infrastructure, extended tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans in hopes that compassion would prevail, that Mitt Romney would choose to create 10 needless jobs instead of buying another 50,000 square foot house to store his skis.

Side-Note: Coincidentally, in 1995 only one out of the fifty states maintained an obesity level above 20%.  In 2011, all but one of the fifty states boasts an obesity level under 20%.  We are the rejected girlfriend licking the bottom of the Ben & Jerry’s carton, eating ourselves to death to allay even the slightest hardship.  The boyfriend that left us, the one that’s now fucking a model and driving a Aston Martin to our funeral, that is China.

Cock 13: Obama is a person, and, like a person, he likes masturbating.  This is the one aspect of his personage I will not denigrate here.  …Never mind I lied.  Admittedly, I am not President.  I am a person, though, and if I woke up one day and had twelve dicks distributed among my orifices, I wouldn’t be jerking off, providing myself a sliver of recompense.  I’d be pulling those dicks out.  I’d be ripping those dicks off of the respective bodies they originated from, and I’d be fucking every resulting hole until those holes starting stretching, expanding, until those twelve holes were so big they were one big hole, and I would step into that hole, that pure expanse where evil once was and no longer was, and I would call that hole America, and cum, triumphantly.

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This entry was posted on August 4, 2011 by in Critical Anal.

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