As you know, I hate so much. Over the years, nearly-sentient existence has provided me a steady stream of hatable people, objects, places, actions, people, and people. Lately though, my abhorrence has begun to converge upon one particular entity: The Miami Heat (and by extension, LeBron James). Even thinking about the team makes the multiple lobes of my brain go to war. I lapse into pressing daymares where my fingernails peel back, break off, come alive and drag their tortuous ways up my arms before boring swiftly into my eyes. You may be asking why. Why, Carmen, does such an trivial matter drown your insides in ire? I believe I know why.
I hate the Miami Heat because they are morons. And as morons are apt to do-and this further compounds my abhorrence-they have infected the entities peripheral to them with their idiocy. I hate LeBron James’ preverbal tweets. I hate that a team was demented enough to pay Chris Bosh more than LeBron James. I hate how Wade, Bosh, and James expounded about how much money they forfeited to play together, how vital a championship is to each of them. I hate how every time a ref makes a phantom call in favor of LeBron James a homeless person freezes to death in the streets of Cleveland. I hate the masturbatory fixation of ESPN on how they’re still “gelling.” I hate how my previous enjoyment of saying the word gelling has been sullied. I hate how professional sports analysts in good conscience have stated that this team would win in upwards of four championships. I hate how the most physically talented basketball player in history of humanity performed a career seppuku that makes Brett Favre’s career seppuku look like jumping into a pool’s low end. I hate how whenever the Heat trounce the Nets, or Timberwolves, or the statically mercurial Magic, ESPN genuflects. I hate how joyless the team is. I hate how I actually like The Lakers, The Yankees, The Red Sox, and Gestapo Officers in comparison. I hate how much I hate them.
More than anything, I hate LeBron James. Why he was averse to playing with the younger, superior Chicago, or chasing infamy to rescue the floundering Knicks, or hanging out with Beyonce is beyond me. One-on-one, LeBron would trounce Prime Jordan, but I’d take Kobe every time. Given: Kobe is a rapist who shot 20% in Game 7 of the Finals, but at least he’s not a quitter. Kobe wouldn’t waste millions of Nike dollars in an attempt to pry sympathy from his former fans. Maybe he would (probably he would), but he wouldn’t ask what you wanted him to be, because Kobe doesn’t care. Furthermore, I need to stop. I am sweating.
A few LeBron James ESL tweets:
Best of luck to AI out in Turkey! Take the challenged and be great. Lets get it
Man I love my chef B so much(pause)! He made the meanest/best peach cobbler I’ve ever had in life. Wow!!
We want Coach Cower or Coach Gruden!! No one else is ready for that task and I know they will command RESPECT right off top!! Let’s go
MTO is the most disgusting/non-credible site in the world! All they do is try to ruin people lives and talk bad upon them.
All I want is a Ron Artest twitter. @sociopath
X’s and O’s,