Today: November 18th 2010

Dear Carmen,

As of today, you have less than a month before the first round of your graduate school applications are due.  In previous correspondence, we decided-without even making mention of Newark-that Rutgers was out of the question.  That stands still.  The upcoming cluster of schools are comprised of: NYU, UC Irvine, Brown, and Cornell.  Let’s take a disheartening second and look at the acceptance rates for the aforesaid schools’ Creative Writing Programs.

NYU: 3%

UC Irvine: .8%

Brown: .5%

Cornell: .15%

This spells disaster in all caps for you.  Considering your illogic has deemed NYU and UC Irvine your most attractive options, you may as well go ahead and embolden and italicize that all capped disaster.  Here, I’ll do it for you.


Get used to seeing that word superimposed onto your vision for the next 50 years of your life.

Now, let’s not underestimate you.  You’ll certainly have the most superfluous pieces of jewelry in every imaginable application pool.  Your teeth never required braces.  You keep meticulous care of your fingernails.  In an interview-I can’t imagine any program accepting you outright-you’ll be able to extoll endlessly on subjects as cubbyholed and trivial as Jennifer Garner’s performance in Juno, the art of wearing a mascot costume, if the allure of potential groupies outweighs the trauma of restringing your guitar, and The Fountain.

To simplify matters for you, let’s let anyone but you decide your fate.