Dear Carmen,
Strangely, I’m glad you’re back. Besides synthesizing the eleven legal pads of information compiled during your Caribbean cruise, you’ve been weathering an upper respiratory infection. This is a trying juncture in your brief life, but you’ve found a way to steel yourself with the ephemeral triumphs of modern existence.
TO NAME A FEW:
By virtue of point differential, your fantasy football team, FUTURESEX/CUMSOUNDS will limp into the 2010 Gumba League playoffs.
Despite failing to capture a 15-site Perfect Streak, you were still able to dethrone Shamar from the High Schore of Elk Adventure in Kabooms Amusement Center’s Big Buck Hunter Pro.
Television’s best non-HBO/AMC/Raising Hope series, Men of a Certain Age, returns tonight.
En route to submitting your graduate application for UC Irvine, you wrote a Statement of Purpose, a Personal History, and a Personal Sketch. How these three documents differ from one another I don’t know, but it seems like an accomplishment nonetheless.
In an instance of true heroism, you emphatically defeated your randomly selected rival OMGWTFMAN in Words with Friends. After beating OMGWTFMAN by a narrow margin, he challenged you to a rematch, choosing to ignore the expected deference of passing on his opening move. You bore his malfeasance without remark. By the end game, you were regretting this. Down by 37 points, you chose to forego a higher score/low letter usage move for a low score/high letter usage move, as your arsenal was comprised of the dreaded TTRRROB rack. You opted out of a triple letter on the B in hopes of higher point letters. You constructed ROBOT. The stratagem completely backfired on you. Fate somehow dealt you a worse arsenal: TSORERR, spelling certain victory for OMGWTFMAN. In a devastating blow, he struck with a triple letter JET, establishing a 60+ point lead with 7 letters left. Seemingly, you were zugzwanged. However, you underestimated your abilities. Using your superior field vision, you saw that by using every letter in your arsenal you’d incur a 35 point bonus to your score, if you implemented a double word block and married that word to another, victory was possible. You made that possibility me (reality). Crafting TERRORS across to form a vertical SHIP, you reigned verbal napalm upon OMGWTFMAN’s cocksure tree line of victory. (((7+35)x2)+10)=94 points. Into your tray fell a Z, X, H, I, T, B, and T. You ended up winning by 70+ points. No rematch was requested. Never before had I been so proud of you. I can’t stand the discourteous.
O’s and X’s,
Reality
baby pictures of famous dictators 