Today: January 20th 2010

Dear Carmen,

Congratulations are in order!  After four months of toil and crying while you run the shower, your applications to graduate schools are complete.  Let’s not go overboard with the back-patting though.  There is an onslaught of rejection, daylong downpours of repudiation coming your way.  In an effort to best illustrate how poor your outlook is, I’ve attached a graphical representation of your chances of garnering acceptance into the eleven respective Creative Writing programs you applied to.  Behold:

Due to my computer illiteracy, I wasn’t able to properly label the massive pink section on the left there.  To verify, that portion of the chart represents: TOTAL REJECTION/ERASURE OF YOUR HOPES & DREAMS/ACCEPTANCE OF INESCAPABLE MEDIOCRITY PROGRAMMED INTO YOU SINCE BIRTH THAT YOU’VE DONE EVERYTHING TO ESCAPE BUT THERE IS NO ESCAPE/CAPITULATION/RESIGNED EMBRACE OF THE NEXT FIFTY YEARS OF YOUR PITIFUL, MUNDANE EXISTENCE/THEN DIE!.  Hopefully that clears everything up.

If you’re looking for some perspective, let me point out that seven of the eleven programs you are applying to have lower acceptance rates than every, single school at Harvard, graduate and undergraduate alike.  If you were to combine the acceptance rates of Brown, Cornell, and UVA that aggregate acceptance rate would still be lower than the acceptance rate of Harvard Medical School.

On the bright side, it was 83 degrees in Florida today.  You could get used to that, right?

Chances are, you are going to have to get used to that.

I wish you luck, double luck, triple luck, …x-qualifying-suffix luck.