Congratulations in Order: The United States of America Ends Terrorism Forever

After nearly a decade of pursuit, the United States military has killed Osama Bin Laden, the self-professed mastermind behind the terrorist attacks on September 11th and a multitude of other such attacks around the world.  No one will miss him.  Men with cores that blackened and rotten don’t beget missing.  Good riddance.  Good riddance.  Good riddance.  Die the rest of you.

Extended kudos to the tenacity of the United States government in bringing retribution to this most depraved of human beings and spreading the banner of freedom across the world’s imprisoned, bannerless skies.  A tip of the hat to expediency. A tip of the hat to efficacy.  Through a miracle of financial wizardry, the United States has only managed to spend $1,188,580,923,110 on entirely justified military operations in the time since September 11th.  In that same time period, a mere 150 million of the world’s children have died of starvation!  Millions of American families have lost their homes to foreclosure!  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen grossed $402, 111,870!  Freedom is all around us.  This is me, drowning in my own freedom.

When I heard this past week that the United States government deemed GE, the world’s largest corporation, a company that reported $14 billion in profits (profits, not revenue) entirely tax exempt I thought, “Am I ever free!”  Knowing that, and then seeing that Osama Bin Laden had been killed, that the 2,572 lives lost on September 11th and the 919, 267 lives lost during American military campaigns on 9/12/2001-5/2/2011 weren’t lost in vain, I couldn’t even think, “Am I ever free!”  I thought something else.  My brain, as it is prone to do, split into halves, and those halves spoke to each other, and My Brain’s Hopeful Half said, “Maybe this will be an end to all this,” and My Brain’s Always Right Half chortled and responded, “No.”

To illustrate: here is a picture of a $10,000,000 laser camera with spider legs that can climb up vertical rock edifices.

We are as doomed as ever.  This is the physical embodiment of our doom.  The end.