A Brief Summarization of Seasons 1-3 of Breaking Bad
Everyone is in trouble.
A Brief Recap of Season Four Episode 1 of Breaking Bad “Box Cutter”
Everyone remains in trouble. Walt is in trouble for having cancer. Pinkman is in trouble for killing Gale. Walt is in further trouble via instructing Pinkman to kill Gale. Gale is in trouble for being dead. Mike is in trouble for not knowing how to proceed. Gus is in trouble because crystal meth has a complex recipe and his knowledge of the periodic table is limited and his grooming of the now dead Gale to replace the supposed-to-be dead Walt and Pinkman has been for naught. Walt is in further trouble because Gus may kill him and Pinkman anyway. Shrek, Walt’s wife, is in trouble because Walt is missing. Walt is in further trouble because his wife looks like Shrek. Walt Jr. is in trouble because he still has cerebral palsy and “Gucci Gucci” is his morning alarm for school. Victor is in trouble because he hasn’t been studying his chemistry. Hank is in trouble because he’s temporarily paralyzed and has to poop into a bedpan in his bed. Marie is in trouble because her husband is temporarily paralyzed and she must place a bedpan under his butt in his bed to allow him to make poop in a pseudo-hygienic fashion. Everyone remains in trouble.
Last night’s Breaking Bad premiere was preempted by Collateral Damage, an Arnold Schwarzenegger film in which he displays a miraculous ability to keep his shirt tucked-in. He outruns an explosion’s hallways of flame, throws an axe into a terrorist’s heart, gallivants around a jungle, picks up his son and hugs him. Never does his shirt even hint at becoming untucked. In retrospect, this may have been resultant of Arnold’s shirt or Arnold’s belt, or a collaboration of both sartorial parties. Collateral Damage was sponsored by the joint relief medicine, I-Flex, which is perfect for cellists whose hands cramp up after too much cello. Suffice to say, I don’t care much for tucked-in shirts or arthritic cellists, and felt that AMC leveraged these two inane preemptors as a way to galvanize my anticipation for Breaking Bad. This did not work, as I remain in mourning over the cancellation of Rubicon. I do feel as though this “viewer’s ennui,” did affect my enjoyment of what followed, and included it here as an approximation of that sentiment.
A CONFESSION: After watching three seasons of Breaking Bad, I have somehow managed to fully store maybe two of the characters’ names, and instead off-and-on refer to them-both while watching and in the recap to follow-as the demented monikers of my invention. This recap within a recap will demonstrate.
Walt White=Bryan Cranston
Jesse Pinkman=Yo, 1-800-Bitch
Skylar White=Shrek
Hank=Breaking Brad
Marie=Klepto
Walt Jr.=Waullt ThunNior
Saul Goodman=Walt’s Lawyer
Gus=Mr. Church of Church’s Chicken
Mike=Bald Guy Without Smiles
Victor=The Mexican
The Recap: “Box Cutter” told the story of a green box cutter, a box cutter born to humble beginnings that finds itself thrust unwittingly into a fantasia of violence and misuse. The episode opens with Gale using the box cutter to open a box. So far, so good, thinks the box cutter. Inside the box is a giant vat for cooking crystal meth. Oh no, thinks the box cutter. Gale is extremely excited about his giant meth vat. He skips about and dances in his Birkenstocks. Total dork shit. Gus looks on like, I can see why this societal pariah has a lightning bolt Trapper Keeper labelled LAB NOTES before the lab is even built. Gus doesn’t say this, though, because Gus doesn’t say anything, only stares. He stares at Gale, the vats, deafening ambient noises swell and we’re flung to the present, where the lab is complete and Gale is dead and The Mexican and Mike are holding Bryan Cranston and Pinkman hostage, waiting for Gus’ verdict.
Thereupon comes a knocking at Shrek’s door. Shrek, in full Jedi-council regalia, rushes to answer, finds The Klepto there. The Klepto gives Shrek Hank’s hospital porn bills and says none of this would have happened if Obamacare passed. Shrek agrees and slams the door in her face, not before noticing Walt’s Pontiac Aztek in the driveway. Confused, Shrek checks the pullout, but the pullout isn’t pulled out, hence Bryan Cranston isn’t there, and Shrek is worried, and moves Bryan Cranston’s Pontiac Aztek because no one wants a Pontiac Aztek in their driveway. Walt Jr. wakes up and asks for eggs.
Shrek goes on the offensive. She transforms instantaneously into Shreklock Holmes, calls Walt’s Lawyer. Walt’s Lawyer says don’t worry about it. Undeterred, Shrek continues worrying, employs her baby in a short con to glamour a locksmith into letting her into Walt’s apartment, where she finds nothing. Dumb broad. For some reason, I was struck by the sensation that, while Shrek was searching the apartment, that this was the most appropriate time in the history of Breaking Bad for Jar-Jar Binks to nonchalantly walk out of a closet.
As always, Breaking Brad is being emasculated and has taken up a random, baffling hobby. This time it’s mineralogy. He’s sad. Marie’s sad. Together, sad, they watch him poop and check out minerals.
Gus shows up at the lab. Roughly three quarters through the episode, Pinkman has yet to utter a word, which is strange for a character that essentially only utters words and chugs chlorine. Very methodically, Gus puts on his roadside trash pickup outfit and pulls out the box cutter. Here we go, thinks the box cutter. All I ever wanted was to cut boxes, to be stored in a cool drawer after cutting boxes, maybe shack up with a homely butter knife and make love once a week after Bones. Gus makes that he’s going to kill Bryan Cranston, but instead he slits The Mexican’s throat with the box cutter. Come on, thinks the box cutter. What a world.
Gus has acknowledged that Bryan Cranston and Pinkman are his guys as well as his capacity to ruthlessly slaughter people. Bryan Cranston and Pinkman have bought themselves some time, and celebrate accordingly with Grand Slam Breakfasts at Denny’s. With his clothes ruined, Bryan pulls out his old uniform from when he worked as a waiter at The Cheesecake Factory and goes back home, where his wife is still Shrek.
Back at Gale’s apartment, the cops are sifting through the dork’s gallimaufry. In the gallimaufry is Gale’s Trapper Keeper, with the LAB NOTES label, and the lightning. The box cutter rests, for now.
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