For once, Bryan Cranston has woken up on the right side of the meth lab. Standing at his elaborate macchiato machine, he grins a slight grin at the modicum of relative security and inner peace he has acquired via being punched in the face. Then he notices that Gus has installed security cameras in the lab, and it’s right back to spine-snapping anxiety. It is essentially the video that follows with decidedly less action and decidedly more portentous staring.
Shrek pops in at Walt’s because he hasn’t returned her sexts in three days. Walt tries to hide his eye to prevent Shrek from sending him to the battered women’s shelter in Larry David’s neighborhood. Much to his surprise, Shrek is genuinely worried for Bryan Cranston, and advises him to rub frozen peas on his bruised eye/life and could they maybe possibly discuss the car wash they were discussing buying? Walt says, “Yes, Shrek Ph.D, let’s do just that.”
Instead of confronting her husband’s malcontent, Marie has opted instead to return to her hobby of self-destructive kleptomaniac delusions. Her new modus operandi is attending open houses, inventing ludicrous background stories involving cosmonauts and sickly children, and pilfering spoons, figurines, photos of happy elderly couples on vacation.
“It’s as if she wishes that these invented lives were her own; that by possessing this objectification of marital bliss she will find it. Consciously and unconsciously, Marie yearns for her and Hank to one day be that ecstatic elderly couple in front of the light house.”-Film School
So anyway that’s roughly 90% of the episode. When Marie arrives home with the Cheetos Hank wanted Hank stops masturbating to 80’s porn long enough to inform her that he wanted Fritos, not Cheetos. To quote, “How could anyone mistake Cheetos to Fritos?” To which Marie replied by swallowing her lip and crumbling inside. I replied by saying, “Phonetically the two brands are almost identical,” to the TV. I talk to my TV.
Shrek and Walt and Walt’s Lawyer have a powwow vis a vis the car wash. The Lawyer says, “Buy a nail salon.” Shrek says, “But the carwash owner called Bryan Cranston a spineless crotch-grabber.” Bryan Cranston says, “Does Apu know how many drug dealers I’ve exploded with my chemistry set? Obviously not. Let’s get this asshole.”
Back at 90% of the episode, Marie critiques a homeowner’s spoon collection. She details her distate to the realtor, speaks of her infant daughter with Marfan Syndrome. “I can’t tell if this woman is normal crazy or bat-shit crazy,” thinks the realtor, as Marie rummages through the homeowner’s pots and pans. On her way out, Marie steals a Puerto Rican spoon. This does not go unnoticed.
Pinkman is having a blast at Blackbeard’s Cave. He’s getting really good at Go-Karts and repressing his guilt to the point of cerebral combustion. By season’s end, even Yoshi won’t be able to keep pace with 1-800-Bitch on Rainbow Road.
At the next stop on her lunatic tour, the spoon realtor confronts Marie, tears her purse, finds the loot. The loot being an assortment of worthless items. Marie goes to prison. She calls Hank on his landline. Hank calls someone else on his landline. Marie is scott free! Thing is, she doesn’t want to return to the miserable, immobile reality of her life. Fittingly, she cries.
Pinkman’s house has become a rape dungeon. Shrek and her stoned baby employ Bill Burr in a short con of the carwash owner, Mr. Brogdin. Bearded Bill Burr breaks bad by beguiling Brogdin.
Hank’s buddy from the department is the only one to attend Hank’s Sorrowful Bowling Watching Party. As a gift, he brings Gale’s lightning Trapper Keeper from forever ago in Sea 4 Epi 1. Shrek and Bryan Cranston are back playing forest, when Brogdin calls, wanting to sell the carwash. Shrek says, “Number I said before minus Insulting-My-Estranged-Drug-Dealer-Husband-Fee.” She hangs up. Pinkman lets it rain hundros on his rape dungeon house party. Pinkman says, “Bitch.” In celebration, Walt orders bottle service for him and Shrek. Shrek is PO’ed about Walt’s conspicuousness, but not that PO’ed. With Marie sleeping soundly, Hank uses his Extendo-Arm to read the Trapper Keeper by Dentist Light, and, like so many times before, we’re back to playing Six Degrees of Heisenberg.