Recapping: Breaking Bad Sea 5 Epi 6

Everyone tracking their Church’s Chicken Batter orders at home on their laptops are going to be very disappointed! Or are they! Some hombres hijacked the truck, yet, strangely, they only took one bucket of Church’s Chicken.  Looks like things won’t break so bad after all for the Church’s Chicken Batter Methheads.

Shrek is prying, grilling Walt about being a wino.  Walt is lying about being in no kind of danger.  Shrek continues prying.  Walt continues lying.  Inadvertently, Shrek activates Walt’s monologue module.  He rips off his silk shirt, revealing a grimy undershirt, the sharp fangs concealed behind plush lips, and monologue napalms Shrek’s entire magical forest.  “I am the danger.  I am the one who knocks,” he monologues.  In response, Shrek’s mouth goes agape and Walt takes a cool-down shower.  He emerges dressed as Johnny Cash and finds Shrek gone.

In response, Walt goes to pick up the keys for the carwash and emasculate the former owner some more.  Boy does he ever succeed.  “Please, allow me to take the first dollar I ever earned as a small recompense for losing my life’s work,” he pleads Walt.  “Two words: suck it,” Walt says by nabbing the dollar and buying a Fanta with it.

From what I’ve gathered, Mike can only eat and drink in the darkest, most atmospherically lighted restaurants and bars in the entire world.  What a quirk!  His date this time around is Pinkman, who has terrible jitters, as he’s unsure as to what these outings mean.  Mike tells him to sit this one out.  Does Pinkman listen?  Does Pinkman ever listen?

Shrek has absconded.  Walter Junior is depressed.  Walt does the only thing a caring father can do for his depressed son and they play HOOKIE and buy a Transformer.  Walter Junior is pumped as fuck.  If Shrek threw a hissy fit over the conspicuousness of buying a bottle of champagne, no way she’s going to care about Bumblebee in the driveway.

Pinkman finally shows for work.  Walt grips his bagged lunch menacingly.  Walt grumbles and calls everything into question, and, we finally learn that Gus’ surrogates name is Tyrus.  The more you know.  “I don’t give a shit if Tyrus is Tyrus’ name or not, I’m flipping you the bird,” says Pinkman, as he flips Bryan Cranston the bird.  Later, Pinkman has to leave early for lunch and Walt placates his own rage by doing what every white man loves doing: watching Mexican women clean up his mess for twenty dollars.  To reiterate:

Shrek makes the most overly dramatic, overly arbitrary moving decision I’ve ever seen, then immediately unmakes it.

Pinkman and Mike are on a stakeout.  They are eating sandwiches, being bored, watching the sun’s slow rays sweep across a meth den.   Pinkman is like, “Let me door con these foos, yo.”  Mike silently concedes.  The door con fails.  Pinkman returns, pumps himself up with the prospect of a new hole dig con, says “I know methheads.”  Turns out, Pinkman does, which makes sense, with his being a methhead.  Pinkman debates with a furious, decomposing zombie for a bit before goosing him over the head with a bong.  Good job, says Mike without saying it.

Tyrus “Everyone Knows My Name Now” Tyrus deports Walt’s cleaning crew.  Walt is remorseful.  Gus third wheels Pinkman and Mike’s after-after-meth-party-diner-stop and tells Mike to set up a meeting with the hombres.  Back at The White House, Walter Junior is melting hearts, and Walt is defending his purchase, and Shrek is showing that her molten metal heart can’t be melted, that there is no defense, that the woman always has the last laugh, the last fiery gaze, the last monologue.