Across the spectrum of human experience, few exploits are as detrimental to the human cognitive system as watching True Blood Season 4. Unlike its counterpart in spiritual vacuousness Entourage-which instead of diverging from its original conceit, chose to mire itself in its own effluvia-True Blood has attempted to raise the stakes with each subsequent season, not by deepening its cavalcade of thimble-shallow characters, but by simply cramming as much supernatural nonsense into a Sunday hour as possible.
Even as I write this, I can feel my brain’s grey matter turning a fecal brown, tumefying here, receding there. To even attempt to enumerate the show’s infinite stockpile of logic holes would drive a sane person mad. Luckily, I lost my mind sometime during Season 3, when one werewolf turned to another werewolf and said, “Are you going to trust a fangbanging V-head?” This will allow me to address the decimating stupidity of this waking nightmare.
Most of the internal narrative inconsistencies in Season 4 arose from-in keeping with the show’s demented formula of introduce antagonist in episode 1, kill antagonist in episode 12- the season’s main antagonist, possessed bead store owner Marnie. After dabbling in necromancy and light-as-a-feather-stiff-as-a-board, Marnie is possessed by a 400-year-old witch named Antonia, a witch spirit hellbent on revenge against vampires. Vampires raped her to death in a fire in a dungeon, but that really doesn’t matter, as by the end of the season, Antonia could really give a fuck. By that time, though, Marie does give a fuck, because she (for absolutely no reason at all) has been seduced by power. Her main motivation espoused appeared to be that she was an outsider, a pariah in society. Which seems odd, considering that she has an entire circle of witch followers? And the world of this show seems peopled solely by the very fringes of society? It’s not worth discussion, but, the question is begged: what are the parameters of her powers, and why are they so beguiling? At times, she can will thousand-year-old vampires to do anything she wants, yet, at other times, she lets them operate freely under their own agency, opting instead to conjure fog in a graveyard. She has the power to teleport multiple people anywhere, yet uses the power solely to teleport people back to her bead store. She can make doorknobs hot. She can throw knives in extra’s hearts. All told, by my estimation, Antonia kills maybe three vampires over the course of the season. However, she is touted as a threat to the entire vampire race. Speaking of which, Amnesiac Basketball Shorts.
Marnie/Antonia also has the power to give vampires amnesia, and, justifiably, she gives Eric amnesia, which causes him to forget selectively and dress like he’s going to the gym. Never again does she use this power in any capacity. As expected, Sookie falls in love with Amnesia Eric, knowing full well that he’s actually someone else entirely? They drink each other’s blood and go on a hallucinatory mushroom trip, even though they’ve both drank each other’s blood on multiple occasions and this never happened. They have sex in Narnia, across the entire town, on a couch, a bed, Lafayette’s boyfriend is a brujo.
Bill kills a vampire that’s ten times his age. One of the only rules in this show is that the older the vampire the stronger the vampire? Pam gets vampire botox because there’s vampire botox because vampires don’t age? Tommy Menkins sacrifices himself to werewolves so his brother that he hates can go camping with his skinwalker girlfriend? Because camping is the logical solution to a murderous werewolf ex-husband? Alcide choke slams Keith Stone to death?
There was a twenty-minute fairy sequence to open the season, and fairies figured into approximately five minutes of the next eleven episodes? Sookie’s dead grandma is ghost-efficient enough to extract a witch from a homosexual medium’s body? Jason and Hoyt are best friends despite twenty minutes of screen time together? Andy Belflour becomes a drug addict and unbecomes a drug addict and has sex with a fairy and all of it has no bearing on anything? The demon baby isn’t a demon baby, only a baby possessed by the soul of a racist caricature? I just don’t know. I am not a brujo.
Last week on Entourage, Amare Stoudamire told Turtle to go fuck himself. This week on True Blood, some character I don’t care about (this could be any character) shot Tara in the face with a shotgun. In retrospect, these are the only reasons I continue to watch these televised lobotomies: the fleeting moments of cathartic release, when a character does exactly what I want to do. I have no ambition to mutate into bunny rabbit so my girlfriend’s daughter can eerily pet me, I want to rebuke Turtle for eight years of torture. I don’t want to watch Tara cage fight, I want to watch life slowly drain from her lightless eyes. Unfortunately, these instances happen almost never, and I am left, to endure.