One of the most prominent critiques levied against Valentine’s Day upholds that the pure and noble aims inherent to the holiday have been undone by commercialization, monetization, society’s need to universalize life’s most subjective, intangible element: romantic love. My critique of this critique is that this has happened to everything with any intrinsic worth to speak of, and the only recourse is to accept the debasing, solider forth, attempt to unearth the paltry remnants of joy from the ruins. Most cases, this unearthing can be done alone. Valentine’s Day’s unearthing is much easier when you have a spotter, which I do not.
I must understand why. For the first time in seven Valentine’s Days, I am completely and utterly alone, and there must be a reason. There is. In fact, there are ten distinct reasons why I am alone today. They follow, in order of severity.
Top 10 Reasons I’m Completely and Utterly Alone on Valentine’s Day
10. Call of Duty
Rationale: It is my estimation that most intelligent, self-possessed women have little to no interest in a 24-year-old manchild who plays Call of Duty: Black Ops 4-6 hours every day.
9. Talking to Myself
Rationale: For the same reason both genders are adverse to serial killers, girls tend to shy away from 24-year-old manchildren who have a propensity to discourse at length with washing machines that don’t work, pens that run out of ink, televised sporting events, and Ryan Reynolds movies.
8. My Voice
Rationale: I have the shrill, grating voice of a pre-pubescent boy. I sometimes employ this voice to talk to myself.
Rationale: Whenever I tell someone I’m a vegetarian, this look of having just ingested curdled milk alights on the informed’s face.
6. Know Too Many Jimmy Eat World Lyrics
Rationale: It is not uncommon that a Jimmy Eat World song will be shuffled into my iTunes rotation during my commute to school. It is also not uncommon that this will result in my jubilantly foxtrotting down subway platforms, “feelin’ it” via head-bobbing, and silently mouthing Jimmy Eat World lyrics to horrified strangers.
5. Vampiric Circadian Rhythm
Rationale: Most girls probably want to spend time with their significant other. Most days I wake up at 2 P.M., go to sleep at 7 A.M., comprising the antithesis of the functional majority of the world’s circadian rhythm. This limits my pool of potential significant others to grave diggers, nighttime security guards, and female vampires.
4. My Nose
Rationale: Once, the owner of an Italian restaurant I was dining at sent me and my date complimentary flutes of champagne, out of niceness. My nose prevented my drinking any of it. I poured the champagne over my head in disgrace.
3. This Blog
Rationale: See this post, specifically the next portion of the post.
2. Off-Putting Man Crush on Ryan Reynolds
1. The Microscopic, Black Abscess Where My Heart Should Be
Rationale: There is a microscopic, black abscess where my heart should be.