Recapping: Breaking Bad Season 5 Episode 1: Happy Birthday, Mr. Lambert

We are breaking back good, America. Income inequality worsens by the second. Lawyers run two-for-one family specials for filing for divorce and bankruptcy simultaneously. The death knell of culture gongs endlessly in the streets, deadening the strangled susurration we once called thought. Those least qualified to lead lead us blindly to oblivion, and we follow, like future beef to abattoir. For oblivion is all we desire, and all we deserve. We are not living in the end times; we are dying in the end times. What measly joy persists is nothing more than offhand consolation, a distracting pinch drawing attention from our shared, terminal wound. It will sooner than later kill us, leaving no one to mourn. This is everything, this nothing.

But I’ll abide infinite nothingness for Breaking Bad. Enter the recap.

I am the one who knocks.

Like every other high school teacher in this country, Walter White has become a Crusty, eating his birthday breakfast at Denny’s because he’s too broke to tip the dumpster out back. He spits game on the waitress, lets his beard indicate that a chronological leap has been made (“We have to go back to the island, Pinkman!”-Walt’s beard. “Where we’re going, we don’t need Gilettes.”-Doc Brown). He follows the guy who shot Tony Soprano in The Sopranos finale into the bathroom, hopeful of a handie. Instead, he gets an orange Cadillac with a machine gun in the trunk. Cue titles: BWOEEYOING.

Flashback, break back. 4-8-15-16-23-42. Luckily for everyone who missed last season and the last season recap five minutes before the scene, Walter Jr. delivers an eloquent exposition drop, whilst wearing a stylish new V-neck. I ask myself, shouldn’t this actor win an Emmy every year because he’s doing what every other actor does, but with cerebral palsy? No one answers, no one compliments Walter Jr’s V-neck (Which looks great, by the way.). Skylar, looking more Shrekian than ever, tells Walt he has some splaining to do. Walt belly-pokes his baby, who has no future/idea of the train wreck cum nuclear holocaust she was born into. Hank spelunks into ye ol meth lab in a Hazmat suit and asks Promotheus to bring up the pod bay doors and then talks in Bane voice to promote Dark Knight Rises and discovers the camera at the end of Gus’s Dell. Dude, you’re getting narrative momentum.

In the five-minute wake of Gus’s death, Mike took up chicken farming. When he sees Walt and Pinkman carpooling without him he drives too fast too furious, a classic chicken run scenario. They swerve, they powwow, they reconvene at Pinkman’s man cave. The three amigos/musketeers decide to build an electromagnet in a junkyard because what else can arise from a brain-tsumani brainstorm with a drug lord chemist, a wigger, and a hit man. AMC airs a commercial for Bing, Team Brain-Tsunami build their electromagnet.

“Either I destroy that Macbook, or I’ll discover the God Particle trying.”-W. White

All of this is happening while the White’s successfully manage a carwash.

“I’m the Ciroc of Electromagnets.”-Jesse Pinkman

Saul tells Shrek that Ted is still a character on this show, and that he’s paralyzed, not dead. “Thank heavens for that,” Skylar says. “Let me go be a giant bitch at his paralyzed body and face.” She goes and does that. Pinkman and Mr. White double park the electromagnetic box truck outside the evidence room at the Albuquerque PD. White cranks the magnet, destroys the evidence, accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, then gets as overzealous as Chris Lada playing billiards at Hook’s and turns the magnet way up, flipping the box truck and winning X Games Albuquerque. The cops are too slow being cops and retiring at 50 with full pensions to apprehend a cancer patient and the world’s loudest human. So our (anti!?!?)heroes get away. Mr. White returns to The White House and informs Skylar that he “forgives her.” I continue to not to. We return to real life, until next week.

Speculative Next Week on Breaking Bad: Walter cures his own and everyone’s cancer, the character of Skylar is recast to be played by the T-Mobile girl, Walter Jr. uses electromagnets to lose his virginity, Mike gets a Bosley treatment, Saul dies, Mitt Romney wins the election and legalizes blue meth and every drug dealer becomes a chemistry teacher.