Recapping: Breaking Bad Season 5 Episode 2: Willkommen in Bruch Schlecht

Disclaimer: Due to a welcome distraction, my viewing of this week’s Breaking Bad episode, “Madrigal,” was halfhearted, half-eyed, not “up to snuff,” which I suppose is “down from snuff.” Concurrently, Noni has taken up residency in my Mom’s room where the DVR is, and I am forced to recap the episode entirely from the faulty misremembering device known as my brain. This I will do wholeheartedly now. If anything of import escapes what follows, do comment and escapee will be duly apprehended.

Live for nothing, or die for honey mustard.

As expected, “Madrigal” opens with a German honey mustard enthusiast committing suicide with a defibrillator. (Note: I watched this episode with an uninitiate, described the initial events as “this broshnitzel is connected to the German shadow corporation backing the Chicken Brothers outpatient laundry service meth cook-off,” and forewent any further attempts at explanation.) Walt installs an emergency poison vial in his lamp socket, helps Pinkman with some Spring Cleaning. Aaron Paul acts his face into an expression pile-up of mourning and wins next year’s Emmy this year. Then a Roomba cameo, and a spitball meeting at Mike’s. Mike doesn’t want any part of White & Pink’s Meth Startup because the Meth Bubble burst weeks ago and, with his Chicken Brothers pension, Mike should be able to Pop Pop comfortably for the foreseeable future, or maybe just go right back to murdering people in ten minutes. Segue to Hank.

Hank’s been rehabbing at The Walter Junior School for Walking. He struts into the police station like a windblown Erector Set and Q & A’s Mike. “How were the cheesesteaks in Philly when you were a cop there?” asks Hank. “Handcuffs,” says Mike. “You invested $2.5 million with a fifth grader, did you go to the American School of Economics in Philly too?” asks Hank. “Nothing,” says Mike, “and it’s unlimited pancakes at IHOP. Bye.”

At IHOP, Mike breakfasts with a broad who is fear-face overacting right out of the booth. She pitches Mike her Billy Madison Steve Buscemi hit list, and Mike’s face is like, I’m going to have to murder people, aren’t I? Next scene, an Asian prank-calls Mike on behalf of a prankster/murderer, trying to get Mike murdered. Mike shows at the pagoda and pulls the classic “String a Plush Homunculus from the Doorframe” Prank. He shoots the prankster/murderer in the face, because the Asian is already shot in the face, and creeps into IHOP broad’s penthouse where she’s watching Yo Gabba Gabba with her baby broad, which makes Mike think of his Stockbroker ten-year-old granddaughter. “Sell me methodroxycut, and I won’t shoot you in the face,” Mike says. “Dealsies,” says the broad.

Walt rapes Skylar in their marital bed while she has a nervous breakdown.

Speculative Next Week on Breaking Bad: Authorities tear down the Walter White statue outside of Albuquerque High, Pinkman appears in a scene besides a flashback, Mike reinvests in Justin Bieber’s new album on a tip from his granddaughter, Skylar molests herself to death, Walt Junior fixes his legs with the Christian Bale leg-fixing apparatus, and Obama is anointed Philosopher King of the United States as result of the seven attack ads that ran during this Breaking Bad episode.