Recapping: Breaking Bad Season 5 Episode 3: Silence, Klepto.

This week’s Breaking Bad recap, “Silence, Klepto,” is made possible by proceeds from this picture of Taylor Sardoni in Castle Dracula.

Every time Mike thinks he’s out, the paralegal classes he’s taking at Albuquerque Community College pull him back in. He pays a conjugal visit to one of his “guys on the inside (hashtag: jail jargon),” makes his compatriot lawyer listen to the new Antlers EP while he informs his “guy on the inside” that he’ll receive twenty thousand dollars a week to keep his mouth shut. How this ludicrous figure arose can solely be explained by this idiom I just coined: blackmail transcends supply and demand. Mike breaks character to yell at a camera. Cue title card periodic table dissolve BWWOOIIINNGGG rattle rattle.

Back at the Cleaver’s, Walt catalyzes the reconciliatory process by returning his nineteenth century poetry collections to his bedroom. Skylar enters, sloppily. “Didn’t you rape me last episode, you meth cook murderer?” she asks. “I sing the body electric,” Walt replies. “The armies of those I love engirth me, and I engirth them.” Skylar leaves to run the carwash which they are apparently still running.

Walt, Pink Matter, Mike, Grizz/Dotcom, and Saul powwow at Saul’s practice. The House Hunters’s female voiceover narrates: Walt & Jesse are platonic business partners looking for a quaint fixer-upper in Albuquerque’s swanky Lower East Seaside. Saul, who acquired his real estate license in Guadalajara, has the perfect place, move-in ready. It’s a box factory. “I used to work in a box factory,” Walt says. “Explains a lot,” I think. No go on Box Factory #1. #2 is a Taco Bell. “I should be working in a Taco Bell,” Pinkman says. “I want Taco Bell now,” I think as I write this. No go on Taco Bell #2. House #3 is a nondescript ranch with a fumigation tarp in the garage which, logically, prompts Heisenberg to hatch a cockamamie scheme where Landry from Friday Night Lights turns a meth cook operation into a movable feast. So that happens.

Bulk & Skull buy old River City Extension tour carts from Toms River Music, for the portable meth lab’s portability. Goldar is nowhere to be found. Mike tough guy monologues the employees of Vamonos Pest, gifting Walt & Pink with stupendous new BDSM endearments “Yes, Sir” and “No, Sir.” Pinkman shows Bryan Cranston the blueprints for the portable meth lab, finally putting his art school dropout skills to use, and we are all of us reminded of when Pinkman would draw superhero caricatures for that broad he indirectly murdered. Ah, the memories. Ah, the days of my youth.

Uncle Walt plays Nintendo DS with the little Latino boy he poisoned. Landry from Friday Night Lights disables a nanny cam and ensures that he will be murdered by the end of the season. Meth is cooked, heart-to-hearts are heart-to-hearted, and Skylar presents her weekly nervous breakdown to perennial nuisance Marie. If I could draw that horizontal line that hovers over infinitely repeating decimals, I would over these words: “Shut up, Marie.” I like Skylar for ten seconds, before returning to my default level of hate. Marie confronts Walt about Skylar’s smoking. “I’ll have Walter Junior pick her up some Nikoderm, and she fucked her tax-evading vegetable boss, Ted.” Marie nods, is as gullible as she is annoying. Walter Junior returns home with the Nikoderm and Scarface on Blu-Ray and I want to be his friend so badly.

Mike divvies the $50,000,000 in gross revenue from the meth sale, leaving each of three controlling partners one hundred dollars in profit. Walt throws a hissy-fit, alludes to slitting Pinkman’s throat, because where would we be without Walter White hurling himself blindly into ruination. Close the garage door.

Speculative Next Week on Breaking Bad: Walt throws a hissy-fit, Pinkman and Brock beat Diddy Kong Racing in one sitting in an homage to Matt Turpen’s sleepover birthday party in fifth grade, Skylar has a nervous breakdown, Marie steals Walt a new heart/brain/courage, Hank solves the case, Landry is hanged for murdering Tyra’s rapist, and Peyton Manning drives a Buick into all of our hearts.