This week’s recap of Breaking Bad Season 5 Episode 6, “Buyout”, is made possible by proceeds from this photograph of Rico Caruso.
Possessed of the knowledge that the new Animal Collective album is streaming online, the Breaking Bad band hurriedly constructs the dead tween’s motorbike in reverse. Once the child’s body is “on corrosive acid” and the egg timer has been set, Landry joins Jessie for a stogie. “Shit happens,” says Landry, quoting Forrest Gump. “Punch you in the face,” says Jessie’s fist, quoting That Thing You Do! No one on this show is Spartacus. Stupid is as meth does. Opening credits. She-kaka. Breaking Bad!
Landry rationalizes his child murder for the band. The band isn’t having it, save Walter, due to his acute sociopathy. About five seconds into their private mulling over, Walter master plans three master plans for Landry: 1. Lay him off into Obama’s hopeless economic morass 2. Murder him, Landry-style 3. Let him play the tambourine in the band. Let’s sleep on it, says the band.
Mike pranks Tubbs with a skillfully executed faux dead drop, real fuck you note, fuck you note prank. Skyler is…can you guess? Sad. Skyler is sad, again, and “venting” via “girl time” at Marie, sans Cherry Garcia. “I would have humped Ted into tetraplegia, too,” says Marie, consolingly. “My vibrator is named Ted.” Skyler cries more, and more and more.
Being a pal, Walt senses that Jessie is distraught over the child they had indirectly murdered twenty-four hours previous. “You go home,” says Walt, dead inside. “I’m going to work the graveyard sociopath whistling shift. I got this staged fumigation meth cook.” Jessie complies, is this face at the whistling as he leaves:
Mike reveals the DEA tail to Walt and Jessie, proposes that the band sells the stolen methylamine, ends the inescapable gyres of tailspins their lives have become, and receive $5 M each in return. Walt swiftly tables the proposal. “I’m Xing out of this webinar,” grumbles Walt. “I’m quitting the band,” replies Mike. “Me too,” says Pinkman. “I’M STARTING A SOLO DUBSTEP PROJECT,” screams Walt. Later, Pink & Mike meet cute with the potential methylamine buyer, but he won’t transition to actual methylamine buyer as long as Walt continues to cook his blue meth. So the arduous task of kicking Walt out of the band and selling all claims to the royalties falls to one Jessie Pinkman.
“Oh, I’m not doing that at all!” says Walt. “Our single is about to be BNMed by Pitchfork, and you want to give it all up.” He relates his fifth Beatle story, and Pinkman can only mouthpiece our collective horror over Walt’s total loss of feeling, reason, humanity, stock options. Enter Skyler, who is ready to become this song.
Jessie describes microwave lasagna and existence on Breaking Bad as “like eating scab,” and everyone watching at home solemnly nods. Skyler proceeds to drink herself insensate. It’s basically every dinner I’ve ever had with a female. “This is all I have,” Walt explains. And you almost see where he’s coming from, then your heart turns back on.
Mike zip-ties Walter to a radiator to prevent him from interfering with the sale of the methylamine, but Mike has to visit the DEA, and Walt sciences his way to meth freedom (Do note: Walt, like a true thunder buddy, takes off the watch Pinkman bought him before soldering his wrist. Aw(?).) Mike returns, finds the meth gone, presses his gun muzzle to Walt’s deranged cranium. Pink begs him not to off White, he prefers egg shell white, which is Walt’s plan, where “everyone wins,” where “wins” translates to “suffers, suffers, dies.”
Speculative Next Week on Breaking Bad: Walt reconsiders the sale and does it and everything is fine, Pinkman learns how to cook lasagna the way his mom cooked lasagna, Skyler kills herself, Mike pranks the DEA via ordering them 10,000 anchovy pizzas, Landry quits smoking/murdering, and Mitt Romney finally responds to my drunk tweets.