In preparation for the upcoming NFL season, Baby Pictures of Famous Dictators has commissioned four preeminent NFL analysts to offer their opinions and insights as a means of enlightening an unenlightened world. The names of these analysts, listed alphabetically, are: Justin Garber, George Gutierrez, Chris Lada, and Carmen Petaccio. The name of me is Carmen Petaccio, and these are my scrupulously researched predictions of what your future, my future, will surely look like. Go Dolphins with exclamation points.
The Gargantuan BPoFD NFL Preview
Carmen Petaccio Edition
1st: New England Patriots
Why: Boasting already the (in?)arguably best quarterback of all time and the arguably best coach of all time, The Patriots (13-3) have added a 1000-yard receiver in Brandon Lloyd, have a matured Stevan Ridley out of the backfield. Chung and Hernandez will be healthy, and the defense, the league’s worst, has nothing to do but improve.
2nd: Buffalo Bills
Why: The Bills upgraded their defensive with the acquisition of Mario Williams, and many of the injuries that hobbled them in 2011 should, hopefully, be non-factors. Fitzpatrick remains inconsistent, but the Bills could start Carmen Petaccio at quarterback for the tail-end of their schedule and still emerge with a winning record (See Weeks 11 Through 17 Opponents: Miami, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, St. Louis, Seattle, Miami, New York Jets).
3rd: Miami Dolphins
Why: The Miami Dolphins will lose consistently until the exact moment the possibility of a quality draft pick emerges, at which point the team will begin to inexplicably win, as is tradition.
4th: New York Jets
Why: What do you do when you have the second worst quarterback in the league? You sign the worst one. According to BPoFD NFL analyst Ryan Rudnicki, the 2012 Jets will average less than seven points a game, and Rex Ryan will be fired at season’s end. Super Bowl or Bust.
1st: Baltimore Ravens
Why: Shortcomings of an aging defense will be offset by an improved Joe Flacco (#HurtFlacco) and the most reliable running back in the league. Ray Lewis is coming off the most horrible Madden commercials of his or anyone’s career.
2nd: Cincinnati Bengals
Why: Cincinnati has the most ginger quarterback in the league in Andy Dalton, and they added Chris Lada’s favorite running back in the league, Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis, who has as many names as he is good.
3rd: Pittsburgh Steelers
Why: 2012 will be the year that the porosity of Pittsburgh’s offensive line does to Ben Roethelisberger what motorcycle accidents and club bathroom rape couldn’t: stops him. As much as the offensive identity has recharacterized itself around speed, the defense lost to Tim Tebow less than a year ago.
4th: Cleveland Browns
Why: Trent Richardson was a stupendous pick for The Browns, but Cleveland starts a 28-year-old rookie who has stunk like decades-old brie in the preseason and, also, they play in Cleveland.
1st: Houston Texans
Why: After leaving my fantasy team for dead last season, Matt Shaub returns to hand the ball off to the best Vegan running back in the league. Andre Johnson may catch a touchdown, too.
2nd: Tennessee Titans
Why: This season on Tennessee Titans Football: Chris Johnson actually plays.
3rd: Indianapolis Colts
Why: Though The Colts made the right choice in opting for Luck over Manning, the team is at least two years removed from the playoff conversation, even in a relatively weak division.
4th: Jacksonville Jaguars
Why: Blaine Gabbert will vastly improve, and this will not matter, as Blaine Gabbert is naturally terrible. Contract holdouts never bode well for player performance, especially for a player on the Jacksonville Jaguars, MoJo.
1st: Oakland Raiders
Why: A functioning quarterback and maturing wide-outs will allow Darren McFadden to bury his cleats into the face of this entire division. Carson Palmer is a dish best served cold.
2nd: San Diego Chargers
Why: Last season, Philip Rivers hinted that he may have been an average quarterback this whole time. This season, Philip Rivers proves that, particularly when Antonio Gates is paralyzed by turf toe in week 2 and I have to start Owen Daniels for the rest of the season for the third season in a row. Norv Turner is horrible, but they’ll eke out a winning record by virtue of a division that has little virtue.
3rd: Denver Broncos
Why: If the over-under on Peyton Manning starting games is at 8, I’m taking the under. Tim Tebow was sacked 7 times in one game alone last season, and Peyton Manning possesses the mobility of sea sponge. Four neck surgeries + zero receivers = guess.
4th: Kansas City Chiefs
Why: In the words of BPoFD NFL correspondent Ryan Rudnicki, “if the Kansas City Chief started Pat Devlin, they would play in the Super Bowl this year.” Instead, KC has invested in Matt Cassel, which is two bottles of WalTussin removed from JaMarcus Russell.
Wild Card Teams: Buffalo Bills, San Diego Chargers
1st: New York Giants
Why: See this Amazon customer review for the Eli Manning Limited Edition Citizen Eco-Drive, by SOCCERSMOM: Purchased the Citizen Eco Drive Eli Manning Limited Edition watch with Atomic Timing for my husband! He loves it! The battery never wears out and the time is exact in 5 different time zones. Also comes with alarm capability and chronograph. We have # 667 out of 1000 and it’s autographed on back and on box! From two time SB MVP ELi Manning! Best watch he’s ever had!
2nd: Philadelphia Eagles
Why: The defense will feign playing football this season. Michael Vick’s spine will not.
3rd: Dallas Cowboys
Why: Occasionally, a botched extra point attempt becomes a metaphor for a player’s entire career, and an organization’s vainglorious downfall.
4th: Washington Redskins
Why: Robert Griffin III will win Rookie of the Year, which would mean a playoff berth in the NFC West, and nothing here.
1st: Chicago Bears
Why: Jay Cutler will be smiles when reunited with Brandon Marshall, and will make due on his claim that he is a superior quarterback than John Elway. Matt Forte and Michael Bush may be the best 1-2 backfield in the league.
2nd: Green Bay Packers
Why: Unlike 2011, The Packers won’t have the easiest schedule in football, nor a bottom-tier defense with a first-tier (read: lucky) turnover ratio. Offense will be there, though, though Matt Flynn’s performance last year question-marked some lauds for Aaron Rodgers, in my book, The Book of Poorly Substantiated Aaron Rodgers Critiques.
3rd: Detroit Lions
Why: Having nearly played an entire season last year, Matthew Stafford will suffer a body hemorrhage. Half of the defense is in jail.
4th: Minnesota Vikings
Why: I fully expect the character of Marshall to renounce his Vikings fandom on this season of How I Met Your Mother.
1st: Atlanta Falcons
Why: This division is an utter unknown, but Matt Ryan has healthy receivers, and a preseason Will To Power that would spin Nietszche by his mustache. Michael Turner is a fat person.
2nd: Carolina Panthers
Why: The Carolina Panthers start a quarterback named Cam Newton.
3rd: New Orleans Saints
Why: Robbed of their incentive to tackle by a censorious commissioner, The New Orleans Saints will crumble under the weight of off-the-field issues, lack of coach, lack of best defensive player, lack of Robert Meechum, and possession of Darren Sproles.
4th: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Why: I know absolutely nothing about this team, and like it.
1st: San Francisco 49ers
Why: The San Francisco 49ers play in the NFC West.
2nd: Seattle Seahawks
Why: Pete Carrol was smart enough to cut TO, keep Marshawn Lynch, and tap Russell Wilson. Matt Flynn, be damned.
3rd: Arizona Cardinals
Why: One word: Skelton
4th: St. Louis Rams
Why: Not since the financial backings of JaMarcus Russell and Matt Cassell has a franchise misappropriated money so egregiously. And they should have known. Never expect dedication from a man who chooses, out of the infinite spectrum of model girlfriends, Karlie Kloss.
Wild Card Teams: Philadelphia Eagles, Green Bay Packers
CHECK BACK IN SIX MONTHS FOR A FULL PLAYOFF PREVIEW.
GO DOLPHINS, SUPER BOWL.