In preparation for the upcoming NFL season, Baby Pictures of Famous Dictators has commissioned four preeminent NFL analysts to offer their opinions and insights as a means of enlightening an unenlightened world. The names of these analysts, listed alphabetically, are: Justin Garber, George Gutierrez, Chris Lada, and Carmen Petaccio. In this edition of The Gargantuan BPoFD NFL Preview, civil engineer George “Nostradamus” Gutierrez gazes into the will-o’-the-wisp and predicts the outcome of the 2012 NFL season. Thanks, George. From, Everyone Ever.
Read Carmen Petaccio’s Gargantuan NFL Preview By Clicking These Words
Read Justin Garber’s Gargantuan NFL Preview by Clicking These Words
AFC East
1st: New England Patriots
2nd: Buffalo Bills
3rd: New York Jets
4th: Miami Dolphins
Por Que? This is the most lopsided division in football. Not because of the extreme talent of the Patriots, but rather of the sheer awfulness of the other three teams. Anyone who thinks the Buffalo Bills are a quality team has had too much of ESPN’s Kool Aid. Every moment I watch the Jets play football makes me happy. I will never see the Dolphins be successful. For this, I am sad.
AFC North:
1st: Baltimore Ravens
2nd: Pittsburgh Steelers
3rd: Cincinnati Bengals
4th: Cleveland Browns
Por Que? The Ravens are dirty on both sides of the ball, no matter how long Flacco’s Fu Manchu gets, or how many people Ray Lewis murders. The Steelers win at least ten games every year. No one knows how/why. The Bengals start a ginger who isn’t really that good. The Browns couldn’t compete in the SEC. #HurtFlacco
AFC South:
1st: Houston Texans
2nd: Tennessee Titans
3rd: Indianapolis Colts
4th: Jacksonville Jaguars
Por Que? The hardest division to predict. I don’t think the Texans are as good as everyone wants to believe. The Titans and Colts are better than Obama wants you to believe. The Jaguars’s best player transformed into a homeless person during his off-season hold out. See attached picture.
AFC West:
1st: San Diego Chargers
2nd: Denver Broncos
3rd: Oakland Raiders
4th: Kansas City Chiefs
Por Que? I refuse to believe that the Chargers are not good, no matter how many years of disappointment they go through. The Broncos have talent, but their season is contingent upon a handful of surgeries that were performed on Casper Van Dien after he got messed up by those aliens. Raiders and Chiefs are both equally a mess.
Wild Card Teams: Denver Broncos, Pittsburgh Steelers
NFC
NFC East
1st: Philadelphia Eagles
2nd: New York Giants
3rd: Dallas Cowboys
4th: Washington Redskins
Por Que? The Eagles pump me up and there is no reason they should win under 10 games. As long as Eli is starting for The Giants, no one will be able to tell how they are going to perform from week to week. Tony Romo wears a backwards Starter hat. I refuse to pay him any respect. Mike Shanahan is the most over-rated coach of our generation and Robert Griffin Three will spend the next five months running for his life.
NFC North:
1st: Green Bay Packers
2nd: Chicago Bears
3rd: Detroit Loins
4th: Minnesota Vikings
Por Que? Aaron Rogers will go down as the most effective passer of all time and The Packers will continue to benefit from it. The Bears combination of a diabetic quarterback and bi-polar #1 receiver really gets me going. The Loins will no doubt take a step back this year, as everyone and their mother now knows how good Calvin Johnson is and half of their roster has pending criminal charges against them. The Vikings are a joke.
NFC South:
1st: Atlanta Falcons
2nd: Carolina Panthers
3rd: New Orleans Saints
4th: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Por Que? The most competitive division in the league will be won by Mathew Ice. The Falcons don’t really have a weak spot and can compete will any team in the NFL. I really want Cam Newton to be good, even though I have my doubts. The Saints don’t have a coach. They will still be competitive each week, but it will affect them over the course of the season. Bucs sux, but will still put up points against the division’s less-than-stellar defenses.
AFC West:
1st: San Francisco 49ers
2nd: Seattle Seahawks
3rd: St. Louis Rams
4th: Arizona Cardinals
Por Que? San Francisco will once again dominate this division and be a powerhouse in the NFC/NFL. I am not sure how confident I am in the whole Russell Wilson experiment, but Seattle’s defense starts Kam Chancellor, my third favorite defensive player in the NFL. This gives them an edge over the Rams, who I believe will be competitive, but are still a year or two away from being consistent. The Cardinals start John Skelton, and pay Kevin Kolb more than Aaron Rodgers. LOSERZZZ.
Wild Card Teams: Chicago Bears, New York Giants
Thanks again to George for his valued opinion!
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