“I hate rarely, though when I hate, I hate murderously. For example now, I hate the bank and everything connected with it. I also hate Dutch paintings, penis-sucking, parties, cold rainy weather, and, most of all, The Newsroom.” –Anais Nin
Obviously, I cannot in good conscience write about hate this week, obviously.
The Newsroom Season 2 Episode 4: Unintended Consequences
Cue “Coffee, Clocks, and Paperwork.” After endless (3) weeks of speculation, Alison Pill is finally ready to reveal the origin story of her despicable Bowie haircut. Did she get double booked at Bumble and Bumble? Did she get a shy African child shot in the spine in a cheap attempt to deepen her insufferable, 2D self? Only time will tell. So time tells, “It’s the second one. The shot African child one.” First though, this face/all our faces.
Flashback to McAvoy’s verbal decimation of the Occupy Wall Street broad. As OWS broad puts her Guy Fawkes mask on, New Jim learns that Verizon cancelled the nerve gas live-tweeter’s Android service, effectively killing “The Genoa Tip.” New Jim palm-strikes the wall, is like, “Kill me Jesus kill me what does it all mean!” Just as every character on the show is about to burst into sobs and shit their pants and slit their wrists, OWS broad ex machina appears to inform them that this show is plotted by the Family Guy manatees–I mean there’s a bro living in a tent in Zuccotti Park who wrote a report on “The Genoa Incident” that coincidentally details all the information necessary to run the story. Uh comma duh! Between the tweets and schizophrenic testimonials of tent people, I’d say this could really be a STORY.
Paralyzed by awe and sexual longing, the OWS broad gets undressed by the verbosity of the Mac in her interview. “What would you replace capitalism with?” McAvoy asks the NYU PhD student. The NYU PhD student doesn’t know what she’d replace capitalism with. Right. I suppose she’s on the wait list for The Karl Marx Reader at Bobst. As women as wont to do, OWS girl throws a hissy fit about getting teased and punches Slumdog Millionaire in the dick. Long live the Sorkitariat.
Mitt Romney won’t let Jim & The Rebels sleep in The Radisson. “Things aren’t supposed to happen to me,” says Karen Fillapelli, “I went to Vassar.” Just when then this show couldn’t get any whiter: Vassar humor. I wonder if she rushed Kappa with Francis Ha. Just when you thought this blog couldn’t get any whiter: Francis Ha references.
Flash sideways to Uganda. Alison Pill is padding her resume with Gary Cooper (“OMFG, LMFAO, is your name really Gary Cooper?!” -The Entire Human Race to the Character of Gary Cooper on The Newsroom (“Who the fuck is Gary Cooper?” -Me)). They visit a classroom in a rural village, where caricatures of African children run screaming from Gary Cooper’s (!) camera, believing that it’s a gun. Talk about Chekov’s Camera. One of the children is shy and bookish and marked to die for Alison Pill’s character arc by the cinematographer’s tactless zoom. See photo.
Slumdog Millionaire recruits all the characters without story lines to con OWS broad into intro-ing him to the tent bro. Olivia Munn tries but she’s too INCENDIARY. Don tries but he’s even INCENDIARIER. If Will McAvoy tried my television would certainly detonate into a sun-sized fireball of INCENDIARISM. Thankfully, he’s too INCENDIARY to apologize on the air. Emily Mortimer reinforces this fact by psh-ing until her body evaporates and the letters P-S-H just kind of float where she used to exist.
Karen Fillapelli’s boss calls her to say that she can either get back on the Romney bus or “put on heels and fuck [him] for an hour.” Exactly like your boss talks to you! (#officespace #caseofthemondays) Jim, at long last, gets his 30 minutes with Romney, but he gifts it to Karen Fillapelli. Then she yells at him for some reason? Then they make-out by the pool of The Radisson? Who is charting the emotional trajectories of this show? No one? The bipolar guy who talks to empty cars across the street from my apartment? Romney?!?
Will McAvoy apologizes to OWS broad, who wouldn’t accept anything less than an on-air apology before but now is all aboard the F-IT-WHATEVS-BOW-TO-THE-WILL-OF-THE-MAC-jeeling Limited. In addition, she says this line of dialogue: “You have embarrassed me in front of everyone in my area in Zuccotti Park.” I shake my head. Will McAvoy says, “I’m not smug. I’m having a crisis of conscience.” SMH harder. Karen pauses while making out with Jim to say, “I am the rebound, and I went to Vassar.” My head spins off my neck and rockets through my ceiling at the speed of light.
Back to the hair. Turns out, Alison Pill used her shy, bookish, marked-to-die black child as a human shield. “What’d you learn in Africa?” -The General Application “I learned that bullets and children’s spines don’t mix, and boy have I GROWN as a result.” -Alison Pill The kid dies, but the real tragedy is how upset Alison Pill is about it. And the actual real tragedy is her haircut. Woof. Flashback to dead child playing with Alison Pill’s blonde hair. Flashnow to me writing “WOOF.” WOOF. WOOF. WOOF.
We are all Will McAvoy. Good night.