The contestant bios for the tenth season of The Bachelorette have been released, confirming that my application for the competition has been rejected for the tenth consecutive year. Once again, twenty-seven mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers will vie for the immaculate heart of The Bachelorette while I sit home alone, reading The Myth of Sisyphus and housing pallets of Ben & Jerry’s. Knowing that my psyche can’t handle an eleventh rejection, I’ve decided to post my Bachelorette questionnaire answers online. My hope is that, with a few very slight edits, the application will be impossible for the judges to pass on. So here it is. May true love find you where it has eluded me.
Occupation: Aspiring Jezebel Blogger
Hometown: Seaside Park, NJ
Shoe Size: 9.5
Three Best Attributes: Great liar, Amazing texter, Hilarious
Three Favorite Musical Artists: Kanye West, Drake, Kanye West feat. Drake
Greatest achievement: Beat Diddy Kong Racing in one sitting at Matt Turpen’s sleepover birthday party
I love it when my date…
puts her coat over a puddle, allowing me to walk across the puddle without ruining my heels. So romantic.
If you could be have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?
The inventor of Lunchables, Charles Lunchable. I think it’d be amazing to have lunch with the person who knows more about lunch than anyone else on earth.
What’s your biggest date fear?
She’s an alien. (Space, not illegal. Totally into illegal.)
Do you consider yourself a romantic?
Did Thoreau consider himself a romantic?
Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?
I am incredibly mysterious by nature. That said, I will often times go out of my way to be extra mysterious on top of my default mysteriousness. This commonly results in an air of mystery so intense that I become the center of attention. Therefore, my answer is both. Embrace the mystery.
What is the best trip you have ever been on?
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?
It’s gotta be Jeff Bezos. What would it be like to live a day in the life of the antichrist?
What are your top three all-time favorite movies?
The Royal Tenenbaums; Synecdoche, New York; There Will Be Blood
Describe your idea of the ultimate date.
Day: Butterbeer & Harry Potter World. Night: Snuggle & Antichrist on Netflix.
If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why?
The owner/GM/coach of The New York Knicks. My greatest fear is that I’ll die before the Knicks win the NBA Championship. The only thing I could possibly fear more is the prospect of what I’d have to hope for if the Knicks did win the NBA Championship. As owner/GM/coach I could actively enable and prevent these two events simultaneously.
What is your ideal mate’s personality?
The “Cool Girl” description from Gone Girl.
If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?
The ability to explode people’s heads a la Scanners.
I hate it when my date…
hasn’t read every book I’ve read, seen every movie I’ve seen, and heard every band I’ve ever heard. What I especially hate is when she has done all these things but her opinions deviate from mine. Hate, hate, hate it!
What do you like to do for fun in your hometown?
I like to go to Hemingway’s to figure out who from my high school died since the last time I was home.
What is your most embarrassing moment?
Either 2006-2013 or this blog post.