Who Should Coach The Knicks?

For the eighth time in the past ten years, The New York Knicks find themselves without a coach. The team’s new president of basketball operations and mascot, Phil Jackson, has vowed to find a coach who will change The Knicks culture of cosmic joke-level self-destruction. The task has proven difficult. You would think an individual with zero front office experience and eleven championship rings subsidized by player talent would have no problem luring potential coaching candidates to a team of grossly overpaid underachievers who exhibit the competitive zeal of a stack of rice cakes, but you would be wrong. Steve Kerr decided he’d rather live in Oakland. Mark Jackson decided he’d rather listen to Jeff Van Gundy’s voice for four hours a night. Thankfully, Mike D’Antoni has retired from public life. Needless to say, the outlook is bleak. So to lend Mr. Jackson a hand in his doomed search, I’ve assembled a list of the five best coaching candidates for The New York Knicks. Best of luck to you, Phil. May god have mercy on your soul.

The Top 5 Candidates for The New York Knicks Head Coaching Job

Candidate #1: Not Derek Fisher

Last season, The Brooklyn Nets hired Jason Kidd as their coach approximately one hour after his retirement. The untested coach then proceeded to inspire the highest paid team in the league to the conference semi-finals of the least competitive conference in basketball history, where he still managed to lose despite Joe Johnson (Joe. Johnson.) averaging like 35 points a game. In the wake of his improbable success, hiring wholly inexperienced former players is very chic in today’s NBA.

Enter Derek Fisher. Not three days ago, the 71-year-old Fisher was “playing” point guard for the Oklahoma City Thunder. By losing that game, The Thunder were eliminated from the playoffs by the San Antonio Spurs, poising Fisher for retirement. All signs indicate that Fisher will soon be the most freshly retired potential coach on the market, and The Knicks will be absolutely doomed if they choose him. The last thing you want as a player is a coach who would allow his own coach to play 71-year-old Derek Fisher in Game Six of the Western Conference Finals, which is precisely what Derek Fisher let Scott Brooks do three days ago. The Thunder lost because of it. Anyone but Derek Fisher will do.

Candidate #2: Appoint J.R. Smith as Player/Coach

My current favorite player on The New York Knicks is a psychopathic shooting guard named Earl “J.R.” Smith Jr. A fellow New Jersey native and scumbag, J.R. is infamous for his cannonades of poorly-selected shots, untying opposing players’ shoelaces, and buying a bulletproof Hummer to defend himself against his haters. Genetic scientists couldn’t manufacture a player who embodies the dipshit mentality of The New York Knicks as purely as J.R. does. If his playing style is any indication, J.R.’s coaching philosophy would fall somewhere between Nietzsche’s Will to Power and whatever Michael Vick would whisper in his dog’s ear before a fight. This is seriously the team’s second-best option.

Candidate #3: Just Let D’Antoni Coach Them Via Skype

At this point, why the hell not? Like, why the hell not? But really, why the hell not? But like really, why the hell not? I mean, really, at this point, why the hell not? Just like, I mean, why the hell not? Really though, why the hell not? Like, I mean, really though, why the hell not? At least, like, I mean, really–but really–why the hell not? Why. The. Hell. Not. Why the hell not! Whythehellnotwhythehellnot! Why the hell not?

Candidate #4: Mark Jackson

He coached The Warriors to fifty wins last year.

Candidate #5: Me

Like any true Knicks fan, I believe in my heart of hearts that I alone am capable of leading the team back to its former greatness. And like any true crazy person, I have wasted scores of hours of my life meticulously planning what I would do if this insane delusion became reality. I spend over 50% of my desk time hours plugging Carmelo Anthony deals into the ESPN Trade Machine, praying that one–just one!–of my imaginary deals will go through. They never do. No one wants Carmelo Anthony’s toxic presence, just like no one wants me to coach The Knicks. Sadly, until one of those two things no one wants to happen happens, we Knicks fans are stuck in our familiar misery. No coach, I fear not even I, can change that.