The literature of James Franco defies any and all analysis. It simply…is. His motivations baffle. His creations perplex. To understand the how or why behind his writing is to understand the language of beasts. Comprehension rests firmly outside the realm of articulation; the tongue is struck dead in the mouth. More so than any of his contemporaries, Franco’s work reinforces an adage that applies only and paradoxically to the greatest and worst works of art: it has to be seen to be believed. In his way-in his horrible, unfathomably horrible way-there is truly no other writer like him.
“Bungalow 89” is Franco’s newest short story. Published in VICE, a popular paper garbage manufacturer, the story is a fictionalized account of how James Franco fucked Lindsay Lohan at the Chateau Marmont. Or it’s about something else, I don’t know. I read like a third of it and I’m not going back. Anyway, to save you the time reading it and to demonstrate the singularity of Franco’s genius, I’ve collected all of his best lines from the story into a single blog post. And I’ve also added a non sequitur or five of my own to the below collected highlights, you know, to spice things up. Can you guess which are mine and which are Franco’s?
Highlights From James Franco’s New Short Story “Bungalow 89”
A. “She said, ‘Open the door, you bookworm punk blogger faggot.'”
B. “Even though Christian Bale had been cast as Patrick Bateman, this crazy producer—let’s call him Crazy Producer—made an offer to Leo for the role.”
C. “‘…Chateau Demon?'”
D. “Haas was one of the original members of the Pussy Posse…”
E. “I heard her put the key into my front door and turn it, but I had slid the dead bolt and that thing—I don’t know what you call it; it’s like a chain but made of two bars—that kept the door from opening.” (Editor’s Note: A door chain.)
F. “’Lindsay Lo-han.’”
G. “…for, you see, I was a model for their fragrances, clothes, and eyewear.'”
H. “‘I knew that she would like Salinger, because most young women do.'”
I. “Yes, stories, stories, stories, stories. S-t-o-r-i-e-s.”
J. “The masks are just as important as the reality. The masks are our reality. Everyone’s reality. Life is a performance. When an actor gives a good performance, often people say, “What good choices.” So if life is your grand performance, have you made good choices?”
K. “And he was immortal. Immortally young; immortally sex.”
Answer Key: I lied. Every word of every highlight was written by James Franco.