Which Fitness Cult Is For Me?

Having established temporary residency in Toms River, New Jersey for the next thirty days, I’m required by law to join a fitness cult. The question is, which one? There are so many! For anyone existing outside the Sloterdijk bubble nightmare that is my Facebook NewsFeed, a fitness cult is a pyramid scheme that preys on people with low self-esteem and high BMI, promising them physical/spiritual betterment through juice cleanses and motivational memes. Like The Moon People and The Manson Family, fitness cults offer their followers the full utopian existence, complete with a mid-20s retirement, a white 2009 Mercedes M-class, and abs. In exchange for all this, a recruit need only to pledge his or her everlasting soul to the fitness cult (and, seemingly, attend an endless gangbang of motivational speeches at the Toms River Mariott). So it goes without saying that everything involved in fitness cults appeals to me. Which one should I join?

Which Fitness Cult Is For Me?

Gill Klein’s Fitness Cult

Leader: Gill Klein

Brainwashing Maxim: “Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it!”- Bill Cosby – Gill Klein

Pros: Excellent facilities, full retirement at age 25, ability to crush all my goals

Cons: Will probably have to stop drinking and smoking every day and start exercising

Whitmeyer’s Fitness Cult

Leader: Nicole Whitmeyer

Brainwashing Maxim: “I am your servant. Who am I? I am a habit.” – Marc Anderson & John J. Murphy – Nicole Whitmeyer

Pros: Accelerated recovery, enhanced endurance, ability to crush all my goals

Cons: Will probably have to stop drinking and smoking every day and start exercising

Sophia’s Fitness Cult

Leader: Sophia Tripop!

Brainwashing Maxim: “Cultivate the habit of being grateful.” – Emerson – Tripop

Pros: Fantastic coaches, exceptional knowledge, ability to crush all my goals

Cons: Will probably have to stop drinking and smoking every day and start exercising

Monique’s Fitness Cult

Leader: Mo

Brainwashing Maxim: “Gimme some Mo.” – Mo

Pros: SUSHI, #motivated, ability to crush all my goals

Cons: I don’t eat fish. I’m not motivated. None of the goals I have can be “crushed.”

WHO WILL IT BE?