20 Todays Ago (November 19th 2010): Cruise Diary Day Zero, Cast of Characters

Dear Diary,

After nearly three weeks, I am mentally, physically, spiritually prepared to discuss all events nautical that transpired over the course of my weeklong family cruise vacation.  Before I can feasibly do that, I must establish the parties involved.  This will act as an introduction and a point of reference both.  I’ve divided the main and auxiliary characters into two groups.  Group 1, comprised of my familial relations, is dubbed The Fam.  Group 2, comprised of the other cruisers of mention, is dubbed Tangential Lunatics.  This may seem superfluous and excessive, but I assure you the forthcoming narrative more than justifies its inclusion.  So:


Carmen Petaccio-Protagonist-23-insightful, gorgeous, bloated, hazel-eyed.

The Momma (Theresa Petaccio)-Protagonist’s mother-35-impromptu RN, napper, constantly late for dinner

Banana (Andrea Petaccio)-Protagonist’s sister-21-petite, furious, napper

Noni (Agnes Ricci)-High Matriach of The Fam-108-saintly, frail, fashionable hairdo

Steffy (Stefano Denari)-Surrogate Twin Brother of Protagonist-20-insightful, handsome, bloated, hazel-eyed

Big Ray (Raymond Rindone Sr.)-Uncle of Protagonist-50s-bald, tall, defends buffet tables with reckless abandon

Aunt Michele-Aunt of Protagonist-32-kind, blonde, monkishly patient

Lil Ray (Raymond Rindone Jr.)-15-Justin Beiber, ladykiller

Jenny Rindone-Cousin of Protagonist-20s-convivial, thrifty, explosively defensive of boyfriend, Kelsey

Kelsey-Boyfriend of Cousin of Protagonist- 30s-friend to everyone, shit-taker from no one, inspired dancer

The Litigator (Randall “Randy” Rosenblum)-Uncle of Protagonist-40s-eloquent, Jewish, sports/debate enthusiast/lead guitarist of The Grateful Dads

Aunt Coll (Coleen Rosenblum)-Aunt of Protagonist-22-yogi, impromptu RN, I never know how many Ls are in her name

Jordy (Jordyn Rosenblum)-Cousin of Protagonist-15-romantic, quarantined due to stomach virus

Maya Rosenblum-Cousin of Protagonist-12-bibliophile, banished from teen club

Tangential Lunatics

Paul Scalley (Pronounced Powell Ska-alley)-Mid 30’s but potentially immortal-Obligatory Cruise Director, tanned, microphoned, more enthusiastic about cruising than I am about everything I am enthusiastic about in my life combined times infinity

Travis-Mid 20’s-Prototypical bro-excessively tanned, ironically incredible, manicured, hair-cutted, has despicable tattoos and disorienting t-shirts that implore you to TAP OUT

Hermano-early 20’s-Alpha male of the Papieto Clan-Nicaraguan, transcendent salsa dancer, combative

James+Michelle-Newlyweds-Young couple comprised of a well-groomed bearded man and his preposterously attractive wife that molests him across the entire ship

The Masseur-11-eerie, pallid child that haunts the hottubs of the Norwegian Epic

The Captain-70’s-corpulent geriatric that rides a Rascal

17 & 26-19-exquisitely dressed degenerate gambler that, over the course of the trip, loses $3,000 betting only 17 & 26 in roulette

Papieto-80-Patriarch of the Papieto Clan-Octogenarian celebrating his birthday by brining 33 of his family members on a cruise (never actually seen)

Roulette Buddy-40s-balding, rigid, loves roulette, speculating about roulette, telling tales of roulette

Incongruous Gay Couple-60s, 20s-a gregarious, morbidly obese homosexual and his Indian sex slave

Scrub Girl-18-grimily attractive girl that managed to find a new scrub to grind with every consecutive night (Grand Total: 7 Scrubs)

Johnny McFearson-18-Travis but awful, pursuer of Scrub Girl

The Jew-19-A Jew

Vile Dancing Spinster-50s-Scantily-clad dancer that never changed her dress and repeatedly showed her vulva while dancing

Steve-50s-tall, black, veloured, addicted to karaoke

“Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Nick from Nickelodeon-late 20s-short, clean cut, sings Smoke Gets in Your Eyes by Platters every night

Roy-30’s-Asian, wonderful,my lucky dealer

Jefferson-30’s-mulleted, horrible, my black cat breaking a mirror under a ladder

Intoxicated Giants Fan-late 30’s-dipsomaniac, debater, negligent father and husband

Babble-tongued Seer-Indeterminate age-Mystic that sells beads


Tomorrow: 20 Todays Ago (November 20th 2010): Cruise Diary Day One: Throwing Up Throw-Up

Signing off,

Carmen P