Dear Diary,
After nearly three weeks, I am mentally, physically, spiritually prepared to discuss all events nautical that transpired over the course of my weeklong family cruise vacation. Before I can feasibly do that, I must establish the parties involved. This will act as an introduction and a point of reference both. I’ve divided the main and auxiliary characters into two groups. Group 1, comprised of my familial relations, is dubbed The Fam. Group 2, comprised of the other cruisers of mention, is dubbed Tangential Lunatics. This may seem superfluous and excessive, but I assure you the forthcoming narrative more than justifies its inclusion. So:
THE FAM
Carmen Petaccio-Protagonist-23-insightful, gorgeous, bloated, hazel-eyed.
The Momma (Theresa Petaccio)-Protagonist’s mother-35-impromptu RN, napper, constantly late for dinner
Banana (Andrea Petaccio)-Protagonist’s sister-21-petite, furious, napper
Noni (Agnes Ricci)-High Matriach of The Fam-108-saintly, frail, fashionable hairdo
Steffy (Stefano Denari)-Surrogate Twin Brother of Protagonist-20-insightful, handsome, bloated, hazel-eyed
Big Ray (Raymond Rindone Sr.)-Uncle of Protagonist-50s-bald, tall, defends buffet tables with reckless abandon
Aunt Michele-Aunt of Protagonist-32-kind, blonde, monkishly patient
Lil Ray (Raymond Rindone Jr.)-15-Justin Beiber, ladykiller
Jenny Rindone-Cousin of Protagonist-20s-convivial, thrifty, explosively defensive of boyfriend, Kelsey
Kelsey-Boyfriend of Cousin of Protagonist- 30s-friend to everyone, shit-taker from no one, inspired dancer
The Litigator (Randall “Randy” Rosenblum)-Uncle of Protagonist-40s-eloquent, Jewish, sports/debate enthusiast/lead guitarist of The Grateful Dads
Aunt Coll (Coleen Rosenblum)-Aunt of Protagonist-22-yogi, impromptu RN, I never know how many Ls are in her name
Jordy (Jordyn Rosenblum)-Cousin of Protagonist-15-romantic, quarantined due to stomach virus
Maya Rosenblum-Cousin of Protagonist-12-bibliophile, banished from teen club
Tangential Lunatics
Paul Scalley (Pronounced Powell Ska-alley)-Mid 30’s but potentially immortal-Obligatory Cruise Director, tanned, microphoned, more enthusiastic about cruising than I am about everything I am enthusiastic about in my life combined times infinity
Travis-Mid 20’s-Prototypical bro-excessively tanned, ironically incredible, manicured, hair-cutted, has despicable tattoos and disorienting t-shirts that implore you to TAP OUT
Hermano-early 20’s-Alpha male of the Papieto Clan-Nicaraguan, transcendent salsa dancer, combative
James+Michelle-Newlyweds-Young couple comprised of a well-groomed bearded man and his preposterously attractive wife that molests him across the entire ship
The Masseur-11-eerie, pallid child that haunts the hottubs of the Norwegian Epic
The Captain-70’s-corpulent geriatric that rides a Rascal
17 & 26-19-exquisitely dressed degenerate gambler that, over the course of the trip, loses $3,000 betting only 17 & 26 in roulette
Papieto-80-Patriarch of the Papieto Clan-Octogenarian celebrating his birthday by brining 33 of his family members on a cruise (never actually seen)
Roulette Buddy-40s-balding, rigid, loves roulette, speculating about roulette, telling tales of roulette
Incongruous Gay Couple-60s, 20s-a gregarious, morbidly obese homosexual and his Indian sex slave
Scrub Girl-18-grimily attractive girl that managed to find a new scrub to grind with every consecutive night (Grand Total: 7 Scrubs)
Johnny McFearson-18-Travis but awful, pursuer of Scrub Girl
The Jew-19-A Jew
Vile Dancing Spinster-50s-Scantily-clad dancer that never changed her dress and repeatedly showed her vulva while dancing
Steve-50s-tall, black, veloured, addicted to karaoke
“Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Nick from Nickelodeon-late 20s-short, clean cut, sings Smoke Gets in Your Eyes by Platters every night
Roy-30’s-Asian, wonderful,my lucky dealer
Jefferson-30’s-mulleted, horrible, my black cat breaking a mirror under a ladder
Intoxicated Giants Fan-late 30’s-dipsomaniac, debater, negligent father and husband
Babble-tongued Seer-Indeterminate age-Mystic that sells beads
Fin.
Tomorrow: 20 Todays Ago (November 20th 2010): Cruise Diary Day One: Throwing Up Throw-Up
Signing off,
Carmen P
baby pictures of famous dictators 