*Due to an unforeseen scheduling conflict, my interview with Anthony Rombardo has been postponed. I apologize to the entire world. Luckily, I was able to replace the most interesting and complex individual I know with the most reviled, Brian Tirpak. I first met Brian in Ms. Weprecht-Smith’s third grade class at North Dover Elementary, where we were commissioned to assemble a papier mache diorama of deep sea life for the class’s window display. Our installation ran for over a month to critical and popular acclaim. My comradeship with Brian was solidified during our stint as teammates on the Toms River Little League Majors Subdivision Pirates under baseball coaching doyen Jon D. Turpen. In the time since, Brian graduated summa cum laude from Alvernia University and is currently at the top of his class in automotive repair school. He hopes to one day open a Gas-Cream station, where any customer that buys a full tank of gas receives an ice cream cone. His most well-known monikers are Tirpak, Nose, Uncle, and Uncle Drunkle. I met Brian in the nascent hours of Wednesday, February 2nd 2011 under the radiant neon of Captain Hook’s Pirate Bar.
Interview 1: Brian Tirpak
CP: Try to tune out the ambient noise, and take a drink whenever your mouth’s dry.
BT: Thank you.
The Basic Info Portion of the Interview
CP: Where and when were you born?
BT: I was born in Point Pleasant New Jersey on March 18th 1988.
CP: So was I, but on a different day before that.
CP: What size hat do you wear?
BT: I do not know. I have no idea.
Peanut Gallery: 7 1/4?
BT: I think it’s probably around there.
CP: So, you would say you have a small head?
BT: Yes. Pinhead. I have a pinhead.
CP: What is your animus or power animal?
CP: Any reason?
BT: I really like that animal.
CP: Do you have any special talents?
BT: No. No, I don’t.
CP: I was under the impression that you were in a vocal group?
BT: I am not a singer. The first thing I thought about when you asked that question was that I was a swine flu victim.
CP: Where and when do you expect to die?
BT: Here?…Probably just…in my eighties. I’ve always thought that’s when I’m going to die.
CP: No location?
BT: Probably in Toms River New Jersey.
CP: Let’s move onto sentence completion.
The Sentence Completion Portion of the Interview
CP: My name is Brian Tirpak, I have just constructed a time machine and intend to travel to my favorite historical era to live out the rest of my earthly days. That era is the _______.
BT: …1960’s. Because everyone says it’s so great.
CP: My name is Brian Tirpak, and these are my six beautiful sons. Their names are ____, ____, ____, _____, ______, and _____.
BT: Jacob, Walter, Michael, Scatman, Charlie, and…Daniel.
CP: Excellent answers.
CP: My name is Brian Tirpak and my dream car is ______.
Peanut Gallery: Saab?
BT: No. I do not want a Saab. I guess…my favorite car is a 93′ Ford Mustang, and nobody likes that year.
CP: That is a terrible year.
Peanut Gallery: Color?
BT: Blue or, maybe, gray.
CP: My name is Brian Tirpak, and I just won a billion Canadian dollars. I’m totally going to ______.
BT: I want to buy myself a house and a new car…
CP: Where’s this house? What’s this car?
BT: Seaside Heights New Jersey, and I’d buy that Mustang I was telling you about. I would also, buy things for my friends that they need. Like McGowan needs a new computer, and a jacket, and a pair of shoes and a place to live. I would pick out all those things for him. […] Probably a couple hookers.
CP: Cushion is to couch as Brian Tirpak is to _____.
BT: The ol’ SAT questions…I want to say cars but I don’t want to say cars. I don’t want to, but I have to say cars. Sadly. Sadly.
CP: As if cars would be incomplete without you.
The Basically Personal Info Portion of the Interview
CP: Can you describe yourself in nine words?
BT: No, and I’ve been asked to do this before.
CP: Do as many as you can. We’re at zero right now.
BT: Quiet. Spacey. (Rushes to explain this idiotic adjective) Like I…
CP: am like Kevin Spacey.
BT: No. Not like Kevin Spacey, like loopy. My mind wanders.
Peanut Gallery: My mom-who just texted me-would say that you’re witty and charming.
BT: I’ll use those: witty, charming,…avuncular. I really wish I have more for you here.
CP: Would you ever eat human flesh?
CP: Not even in the direst of situations? Like you’ve been trapped in a snowdrift in the Appalachian Mountains?
Peanut Gallery: Like you’re in the movie Alive.
BT: I’ve never seen it, but I don’t think I would.
Peanut Gallery: Even if it was Ethan Hawke?
CP: Would you rather be a blind man, a deaf woman, or a normal, self-confident hermaphrodite?
BT: A deaf woman.
CP: You answer with such confidence. Any reason why?
BT: I’d rather have my sight. I’m already near deaf. (Note: My researchers were unable to confirm is Brian is in fact partially deaf. Additionally, I was too baffled by his answer to make light of the hypothetical hermaphrodite avatar in the inquiry having a functioning ocular system.)
CP: Do you believe in God? Why not?
BT: I don’t know the answer to that one. I’m not sure. I don’t know why I don’t know.
CP: You’re an agnostic, you’re saying?
BT: I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want. Yeah.
CP: Would you blame your wife for leaving you if a fifty-car pile-up rendered you paralyzed from the neck down, and she was driving when the accident occured?
BT: I would not blame her at all. She didn’t sign up for that.
CP: What cartoon character do you most identify with?
BT: El Kabong.
Peanut Gallery: Who the hell is El Kabong?
CP: It’s a horse that hits people over the head with guitars.
CP: Would you ever exchange lives with someone else? If so, who?
BT: [Bill] Cosby?
CP: You would rather be an eighty-year-old, over-the-hill comedian?
BT: He did also appear at the Ritacco Center.
Peanut Gallery: I would change into Dane Cook and kill myself.
BT: …Karl Malone. Who’s coincidentally another over-the-hill black man.
CP: Any reason for choosing Karl Malone?
BT: First of all, he’s currently the Sketchers representative in all of their commercials.
CP: That’s more than enough explanation.
CP: What do you wish you had been named?
BT: Tosh. O
CP: If you could be on any reality show which reality show would that be?
Note: Before answering this question, there was a full minute of hesitation followed by a detailed listing of reality shows, many of which do not exist (The Bachelors, Couch Eaters, and World’s Bitchiest Nanny.)
BT: Survivor Season One.
CP: With Naked Richard Hatch, of course.
CP: If you could have dinner with any three people living or dead, who would those three people be?
BT: Certainly not Jesus…I can’t even think of one, but definitely not Jesus. Everyone always says, ‘Oh, blahg, my dead grandmother I never met.’ And I can’t even think of three actors to have dinner with.
CP: Why do they have to be actors?
BT: [Bill]Cosby, Scatman [Crothers], and [Charles] Barkley.
CP: So not Ritso Ratso. Okay…
CP: If you could redo any moment in your life, what moment would you choose?
BT: Besides the last few questions? I wish I could redo…my college applications.
The Favorite Anythings Portion of the Interview
CP: What’s your favorite sports mascot?
BT: The Stanford Tree.
CP: Who is your fashion icon?
BT: …Jesse James.
CP: Who’s your favorite biblical character?
BT: Job, but I only know him from Arrested Development. Definitely Noah though, just the size of the boat…
CP: What’s your favorite Caddyshack quote.
Note: We then recounted every immortal Caddyshack quote before Brian settled on:
BT: Hey! Everybody! We’re all going to get laid!-Caddyshack
Brian’s Question for Carmen’s End of the Month Self-Interview
Q1: If you were the owner of a bar, what would that bar be like?