Alena Crescenzo is good friends with my sister, Anna “Banana” Petaccio. Truth be told, I don’t really know her all that well. From what I was able to glean from her Facebook digidentity, Alena attends Rutgers University, has a birthday, and is the only female viewer of FX’s The League. She also has…nice skin? Maybe she frequents the Proactiv vending machine? At her shopping mall of nearest convenience? I don’t know. What I do know is that after reflecting upon the brilliance of her responses in this interview, I regret my many years of not-knowing, and can only hope she does as well.
Interview Series Day 10: Alena “Laney Boggs” Crescenzo
CP: Where and when were you born and where do you currently reside?
AC: I was born in Howell, New Jersey and currently live in New Gunswick, New Jersey.
CP: What is your first memory?
AC: I remember I dropped a pretzel on the floor and cried for hours about it. My mom wouldn’t let me eat it after it had been on the floor. Not much has changed since then…
CP: What is your animus or power animal?
AC: A cat.
CP: What is your idea of the perfect sandwich?
AC: A ham and cheese on whole wheat bread with mayonaise, but I have specifications on how it must be made. One layer of ham then one layer of swiss, etc.
CP: What was the last song you listened to and how did it affect you emotionally?
AC: It wasn’t the last song I listened to, but the last song that affected me emotionally was Nicki Minaj’s verse in Monster. I was feeling flustered because of my many attempts at rapping along to other songs, and this came on, and I KILLED IT.
Note: This answer answers neither what song Alena listened to last, but also cites an emotional reaction that doesn’t stem from anything endogenous to the song but from Alena’s technical rap prowess and its arbitrary triumph over Nicki Minaj’s goblin growl.
The Sentence Completion Portion of the Interview
CP: My name is Alena Crescenzo, whilst riding my bike to Jamba Juice, I hit a pothole, fly over the handlebars, and power kiss a curb with my face. Retrograde amnesia takes instantaneous effect and I lose all of my memories. If I could have one person re-explain my life and person to me, that person would be______.
AC: Katharine M. Crescenzo.
Note: Either this is one of Alena’s relatives, or her schizophrenic alter-ego. I do not know.
CP: My name is Alena Crescenzo, my worst memory of the mall is ______.
AC: Whenever my indecisive self has to return the next day to return all of my recent purchases. I keep the tags on everything, just in case.
Note: How does one return to return?
CP: My name is Alena Crescenzo, in my previous life I was _______.
AC: An original gangster.
CP: My name is Alena Crescenzo McGowan, and I just won a billion Canadian dollars, I’m totally going to _______.
AC: Change my name back.
Note: That typo’s on me.
CP: My name is Alena Crescenzo, if I ran into Mel Gibson I would have to ask him ______?
AC: Will you come to my bah mitzvah?
The Basically Personal Questions Portion of the Interview
CP:What three onomatopoeia best describe you?
AC: Buzz, pow, bam.
CP: Do you believe in God? Why not?
AC: He stopped texting me and deleted me on Facebook, so I was all like, um, whatever I don’t believe in you anyway?
Note: As close to Augustine in the garden as you’re going to get.
CP: What are your top four pet peeves?
AC: 1. When people raise their hands in class constantly because they like to hear the sound of their own voices. 2. When I am driving up to a red light, and I’m trying to make a right, but the someone is in front of me isn’t turning. So I can’t turn. IT’S LIKE YOU SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED IN THE RIGHT LANE AMIRIGHT [sic]? 3. Corporate America. 4. When teenagers talk loud on the subway because they know it scares me.
CP: What is your dream job (this includes any time period, but excludes backup dancer, of course)?
AC: Writing jokes for SNL/TV shows and just coast.
CP: What time period do you most want to return to in your time machine?
AC: I would go back in time and save all the Native Americans. I would become their leader and they would worship me forevs. For real though, they could have used some help.
Note: Apparently, Alena’s concept of help is based deeply in the subjugation of indigenous peoples and false self-apotheosis.
CP: You have been elected The President of the United States in a landslide win over a Roomba in the 2016 Presidential Election. What policies would you enact? Which would you discontinue?
AC: I should never become President.
CP: What character in Greek Mythology do you most identify with and why?
AC: Persephone because her mom, Demeter, is always like, why you gotta leave, boo-hoo? And Persephone’s all like Mom, leave me alone!
Note: See Question 16.
CP: What holiday best describes you and why?
AC: Earth Day. It really resonates with me.
CP: Three dinner guests living or dead, who would they be?
AC: Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, and Hermoine Grang-a[sic].
Note: None of those people are people, were ever people. And everyone knows that nobody hits the town like Lord Voldemort.
CP: Redo one moment in your life?
AC: Probably that time I got drunk and face-planted into that wall.
The Word Association Portion of the Interview
The Favorite Anythings Portion of the Interview
CP: What’s your favorite piece of furniture ever?
CP: What is your favorite song lyric of all time?
AC: FIRST THINGZ FIRST I’LL EAT YA BRAINZ.
CP: Who is your favorite dead actor?
AC: Charlie Chaplin.
CP: What’s your favorite out of the eight wonders of the world?
AC: I want to be the first person to run the entire length of the Great Wall of China.
Elena’s Question for Carmen’s End of the Month Self-Interview
Note: I forgot, again.