Anna Bodenhamer is my cousin Stefano’s girlfriend. As Stefano and I are regularly mistaken for twins, logic says that Anna finds me to be incredibly attractive. I cannot blame her. Aside from Anna’s exemplary taste in men, she draws inspiration from Rachel Bilson, likes the color yellow, and is apparently all business with respect to her boyfriend’s cousin’s blog interview series. Appended is the malicious email she sent me in response to the questionnaire I emailed her.
I humbly ask Anna to please stop cyber-bullying me. In order to best achieve this, I implore you, the readers of BABY PICTURES OF FAMOUS DICTATORS, to take note of Anna’s email and write her, telling her a story about how cyber-bullying has adversely affected your life. If I could, I would face-to-face interview every person in the interview series and do it gladly. Each interviewee has impacted me profoundly, negligibly, and every measure of affecting in between. That said, I am also a real boy, with arguably better things to do at 3:34 in the morning after working seventeen hours straight than transcribe interviews for my psychosis diary blog. Sleep being one of those things. At the same time, Anna’s desire for an intimate interview format is just. She is as real a girl as I am a boy, and everyone in this interview series deserves as much, more. Anna deserves as much and I apologize for denying her that. Thus, I implore you, the readers of BABY PICTURES OF FAMOUS DICTATORS, to withhold your tales of cyber-bullying, and instead to write Anna an email saying how much you appreciate her, how evident her wonderfulness is in even the most abridged of formats, and that you would one day like to meet her and if you’re lucky know her. I would do this, but this is me doing that. Sleep can wait.
Interview Series Day 11: Anna Karenina Bodenhamer
Note: In order to best approximate the actual interview that Anna deserves, I will be postulating my replies to Anna’s answers as well as her replies to my replies, et al. These will operate under the assumption that Anna is indeed a cyber-bully. (The presumed replies will appear in parentheses.)
CP: Where and when were you born? Where do you currently reside?
AB: I was born in Birmingham, Alabama on April 29, 1991. I currently reside in Birmingham.
CP: What is your first memory?
AB: For some reason, when I was little, it really bothered me if I had strings on my clothes. I would cut them off and keep them in one of my mom’s old powder boxes. I think I still have it somewhere.
(CP: Have you tried looking under your straightjacket?)
(AB: Have you tried looking under YOU’RE GAY?)
CP: What is your animus or power animal?
AB: A kitten.
(AB: Pussy cat more like pussy YOU ARE ONE.)
CP: What is your idea of the perfect birth defect?
AB: A lack of leg hair.
CP: What is the last song you listened to and how did it affect you emotionally?
AB: “Deceptacon” by Le Tigre. It made me feel like roller skating at Kabooms.
The Sentence Completion Portion of the Interview
CP: My name is Anna Bodenhamer, whilst working in my laboratory I stumble upon the cure for cancer, but I see that a side effect of the treatment will be slow, painful death for every animal on the face of the earth. I quickly ______.
AB: Realize that if I am smart enough to find the cure for cancer, I am also smart enough to figure out a way to keep it from killing animals.
(CP: That’s the most conjectural backhand brag ever.)
(AB: I’m about to backhand the most homosexual fag ever. That fag being you.)
CP: My name is Anna Bodenhamer, my favorite Olympic memory is _______.
AB: Michelle Kwan. Or going to see an Olympic soccer game in Atlanta in 1996. And seeing the torch being passed!
CP: My name is Anna Bodenhamer, in my previous life I was ______.
AB: A kitten.
CP: My name is Anna Bodenhamer and I just won a billion Canadian dollars I’m totally going to______.
AB: Produce a reality show.
(CP: Can I ask about any particulars that you can give me without revealing too much of the central conceit?)
(AB: MTV selects the biggest, most pathetic losers in the world and puts them all on an island and the audience watches them fight for survival and compete for matches and Klondike Bars. The catch is, that you are the only person on. that. island.)
CP: My name is AB, if I had to give a shiatsu massage to any celebrity it would be _______.
AB: Adam Brody
The Basically Personal Questions Portion of the Interview
CP: What three dances best describe you?
AB: The “Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember,” The “Kim Zachow,” and the stanky leg.
(CP: What’s a Kim Zachow? Her last name sounds like something a wizard would whisper after performing a magic trick.)
(AB: She’s one of my good friends from school. Her dancing is immaculate. Did you know there are three people in the United States named Kim Zachow?)
(CP: Are you suggested I Googled Kim Zachow Dance thinking it was a famous dance with corresponding video and wikipedia page?)
(CP: Maybe you got me.)
CP: Do you believe in God? Why not?
AB: Yes. N/A.
CP: What are your top three TV shows of all time?
AB: The O.C., Gossip Girl, and The Bachelor.
(CP: Volcheck is one of the great villain names of all time.)
(AB: You like The O.C.?!?)
(CP: Me? Me love The O.C.)
(AB: Me too!)
(CP: Me too, me too!)
CP: What is your dream job (this includes any time period, but excludes John Mayer, of course)?
AB: Editor-in-Chief of Vogue Magazine.
CP: What animated movie character do you most relate to and why?
AB: Pepper Ann. My hair is sometimes floppy like hers.
CP: You have been elected The President of the United States in a landslide win over Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze in the 2016 election. What policies would you enact? Which would you discontinue?
AB: I would lower the drinking age to 18 and legalize gay marriage.
(CP: Ten points to Griffendor!)
(AB: I’ll let that slide…this time…)
CP: What would be your superhero weakness?
AB: Bugs. So obviously I couldn’t be the “X-terminator.”
(CP: I slightly disagree. If the alter ego of The X-terminator was in fact an exterminator, her profession would greatly reduce the insect populations of The X-terminator’s particular metropolis, lessening the risk of exposure to said weakness. For instance, Superman would have been much better off having been a Eco-Friendly Kryptonite Extraction and Destruction Engineer instead of a beat writer.)
CP: What are your thoughts on Deadliest Catch?
AB: I have none!
CP: Three dinner guests living or dead who would they be?
AB: Audrey Hepburn, Rachel Bilson, and Oprah.
(CP: I accept you.)
CP:Redo one moment in your life?
(AB: When I cyber-bullied you before. You’re not that bad. You’re approaching bad, but you’re far enough away to make me repentent.)
(CP: Thanks, Anna. You’re strangely great.)
Note: Real Anna missed this one. Mistakes, everyone makes them!
The Word Association Portion of the Interview
(CP: Ha, ha!)
(AB: Ha, haha, ha!)
The Favorite Anythings Portion of the Interview
CP: What’s your favorite seasonal clothing accessory?
AB: My knitted flower ear warmer.
CP: What is your favorite song lyric of all time?
AB: “I Sing, I Swim” by Seabear… the whole song!
Note: Spectacular song.
CP: What is your favorite celebrity suicide?
AB: Elliott Smith.
(CP: Elliott Smith was murdered.)
(AB: I know, but I just want to murder that murderer so bad I’ve convinced myself otherwise.)
(CP: You don’t have to live that lie anymore.)
(AB: I know this now, and I have you to thank, friend.)
CP: What is your favorite idea for a reality show?
AB: The Bachelor: Geriatrics Edition. Or the Pregnant Bachelorette.
(CP: How did you know I have a pregnant woman fetish?)
(AB: I didn’t. My heart did.)
(CP: I appreciate you, and your wonderfulness is evident even in this questionnaire, the most abridged of interview formats. One day, if I’m lucky, I hope to get to truly know you.)
(AB: Can you email me that, so I have it in writing, and can smile at that writing when I read it?)
(CP: I’ll do you one better. I’ll spend two stark A.M. hours of my life inventing a meta-interview within your actual interview, in which I say exactly what you want me to say though you’ve neither actually said or wanted what you want said.)
(CP: As long as I can forgive first.)
Anna’s Question for Carmen’s End of the Month Self-Interview
Q11: How is Kermit the Frog existential?