Sarah Ramirez is the great love of my young life. Five years ago this Valentine’s Day, she date-raped me at a party, and from those innocent and serendipitous beginnings our adulation blossomed. Unlike the analogous bloom, which culminates, subsides, wilts, my self’s entwining with Sarah has only know progressive gradations, a continuous meshing amidst meshing of greater and greater magnitudes. She has proffered the most illustrious highs and plummeting lows of my entire life. Few people, if anyone, can inspire true, quaking-eye, vitriolic rage in me as Sarah can. No one, no one but Sarah can inspire the antithesis. Being loved is as involved and trying as giving love, and Sarah has shown me past showing that I am, despite myself, capable of both. She is also a snazzy dresser, innerly and outwardly gorgeous, and my first and most obsessive fan. If life provides a singular certainty, that certainty is uncertainty, and, if anything, Sarah has provided me a lone certainty amongst the endless infinity the unknown. That certainty is this: there is my side, and there is Sarah at it.
Interview Series Day 15: Sarah Ramirez
Note: Portions of this interview are intensely pornographic in nature. In order to comply with FCC regulations, these sections have been creatively reworded without sacrificing the sentiments expressed. Certain cases were pornographic to the point that revision was impossible. Those cases have been [OMITTED].
CP: Where and when were you born? Where do you currently reside?
SR: I was born in Point Pleasant New Jersey on August 1st 1988. Now, I live in Brooklyn New York.
CP: What is your first memory?
SR: Honestly, I can’t pinpoint my first memory, but an early memory would be sitting on my Mom’s lap while she questioned me on what I wanted to be when i grow up. I told her a bird.
CP: What is your animus or power animal?
SR: A Lion.
CP: What is your idea of a fate worse than death?
SR: To grow old as a crazy cat woman living alone in the East Village.
CP: What is the last song you listened to and how did it affect you emotionally?
SR: Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths. It made me feel…
SR: Yearning. It made me yearn.
The Sentence Completion Portion of the Interview
CP: My name is Sarah Ramirez, whilst riding my bike across the Williamsburg Bridge to have my iPad repaired before getting an iced coffee before thrifting before listening to Vamp Weeks, I stumble upon two concurrent events. A puppy that is slowly freezing to death, and a translucent briefcase with $100,000 in cash inside. I have to choose either to save the puppy or take the money. I cannot do both. I immediately _______.
SR: I would save the puppy. The reward would be greater than all of the cash monies.
Note: YEAH RIGHT.
CP: My name is Sarah Ramirez, my greatest athletic triumph was _______.
SR: Running a mile under 7 minutes! I know you’re clapping.
Note: I was not clapping.
CP: When was this?
SR: High School.
CP: My name is SR, in my previous life I was _________.
SR: A conquistador.
CP: My name is Sarah Ramirez and I just won a billion Canadian dollars, I’m totally going to ______.
SR: I would build my mom her very own pet day care center, donate to cancer research, give money to my family in Brazil, and open my own cafe. I’d use the rest to start a non-profit that my sister would run.
CP: Good answers.
SR: And I would buy you a Ferarri.
Note: This is the best answer anyone has given to this question thus far.
SR(cont.): Then I would drive with you in your Ferrari until you parked right on my driveway.
CP: My name is Sarah Ramirez, and if I could have a threesome with one celebrity couple, that couple would be _______.
SR: Ryan Gosling and whoever it is that he’s dating.
The Basically Personal Questions Section of the Interview
CP: What four snack foods best describe best describe you?
SR: Carrots. I like snacking on carrots. Chiquita Banana. I once dressed as her. Animal Crackers. And [OMITTED] is my snack.
CP: That doesn’t qualify.
SR: Why? I indulge in [OMITTED] [OMITTED] [OMITTED]. I like queso.
CP: Do you believe in extra-terrestrials?
SR: Yes. When I was ten-years-old, I shared a room with my sister. One night, I looked out my window and saw UFOs. I tried waking her up, but she ignored me. I went back to bed.
Note: Laugh now, but remember, you were warned.
CP: What is your idea of the perfect breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
SR: Breakfast=Eggs benedict, in bed, with OJ, chocolate milk, and a latte from Oslo.
Note: O.J. Simpson and a chocolate milk latte?
CP: Please limit your responses to food.
SR: My idea of a perfect lunch changes from day to day.
Dinner=Gotham Bar & Grill, in bed.
Note: What the [OMITTED]?
CP: What are your two dream jobs?
SR: My Dad and I always had a dream of buying a beachfront hotel and fixing it up. I’d love to pursue something along those lines. Second one is a fashion designer.
CP: What aspect of colonial life do you most envy and why?
SR: I wish I grew up before cell phones existed.
CP: You did partially.
SR: I admire their attire.
CP: You have been elected The President of the United States in a landslide win over The Arcade Fire in the 2016 election. What policies would you enact? Which would you discontinue?
SR: I would eliminate the electoral college.
CP: What children’s movie best describes you and why?
SR: The Lion King. Simba and I have a lot in common. He’s a strong character. Am I giving you enough to work with?
CP: If given the option, would you choose to live forever? Why or why not?
SR: I would. Once my family and friends had passed away, I’d live an average lifetime in each and every part of the world. Then space.
CP: Three dinner guests living or dead, who are they?
SR: My Dad, Where’s Waldo, and my maternal grandfather.
CP: Redo one moment in your life?
SR: This could get emo. So I’ll say going to LIM, I wish I went to a design school.
The Word Association Portion of the Interview
The Favorite Anythings Portion of the Interview
CP: What’s your favorite guilty pleasure?
SR: Snickers. Noughetaboutit.
CP: What is your favorite song lyric of all time?
SR: I don’t really do all time. Too broad. I guess my current favorite lyrics are to is “Love is All” by The Tallest Man on Earth.
CP: Who is your favorite teen idol?
SR: I can’t say I ever had a teen idol.
CP: Bieber it is then.
SR: No. Posh Spice.
CP: What’s your favorite part of [OMITTED]?
SR: [OMITTED], especially when [OMITTED].
Sarah’s Question for Carmen’s End of the Month Self-Interview
Q15: Aside from David Bowie Petaccio, what would you name our three sons?