Sam Tacon is one twenty-fourth of River City Extension, the second most popular band to originate from Toms River New Jersey, after Skid Row. Also, she is my friend. In the eighth grade, she accused me of being a homosexual because I wouldn’t make out with her. That proved to be the most emasculating moment of my life, and everything I have done since, this blog included, has been failed attempt after failed attempt to disprove her proclamation. I never thanked her. I regret it. Rarely do I get to physically experience her wondrousness, the simple warmth of her character. I regret it. Not enough do I remind her of the ridiculous bravery and self-caliber it takes to manufacture one’s lofty dreams into impossible reality, and how she displays that bravery and caliber in spades. I regret it. I’ve never seen the awesome band she’s in play live. I regret it. I never fucking made out with her. I regret it.
Interview Series Day 19: Sam Tacon
Plug: River City Extension
CP: Where and when were you born and where do you currently reside?
ST: I was born in Lakewood, New Jersey on April 29th 1988. Same day as Jenna Heffern and Stefano’s girlfriend. I live in Toms River New Jersey, now.
CP: That can’t be a coincidence; that the three most beautiful women I’ve ever met were born on the same day.
ST: Go on…
CP: What is your first memory?
ST: I think this is a memory, but it might’ve been a dream or an out-of-body experience. When I was 2 or 3, I fell into the deep end of my pool and sank to the bottom. This is the part that is either a memory, a dream, or a hallucination, but I remember being above my pool looking down at me at the bottom of it, and then being inside the pool looking at my face. I should just go with the easier answer.
CP: No, that’s good.
ST: Easier answer is getting my first bike on my birthday.
CP: A beautiful moment. Wonderful contrasting sentiments.
ST: They pulled it out of my grammy’s light blue Toyota Camry.
CP: What is your animus or power animal?
ST: A sea turtle, like the ones in Finding Nemo.
Note: Finding Nemo is a Pixar movie about a clownfish dad trying to find his clownfish son.
CP: What is the proudest moment of your life?
ST: In fifth grade, Vicky Shadiack and I were in massive competition to play Ebenezer Scrooge in Mrs. Lewis’s version of A Christmas Carol. Vicky was my best friend at the time, but I got the part. Mrs. Lewis split up the lead. I was Scrooge for half. Chris McGowan was Scrooge for the other half.
CP: I can see this is completely untrue.
ST: That was my first big gig, and I was damn proud to be sharing a stage with the likes of Chris McGowan. He was also my first grade boyfriend.
CP: What was the last song you listened to and how did it affect you emotionally?
ST: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon. I think it really captures how difficult it is for two people who love each other to move on from one another. And despite how difficult and heart wrenching it may be, it leaves you with hope and a new sense of freedom.
CP: I prefer kodachrome.
The Sentence Completion Portion of the Interview
CP: My name is Sam Tacon, whilst navigating a series of underground tunnels, I fall upon a hyper-advanced subterranean civilization of humanoids. They have no knowledge of the terrestrial world, and when they press me to describe my world I say ___________.
ST: It’s beautiful and scary. Then i’d invite them to come up to see for themselves.
CP: I am so sorry for them.
CP: My name is Sam Tacon, and the worst I ever felt was _______.
ST: I am so emo.
ST: When I was in the 7th grade, I hooked up with someone’s ex-boyfriend, and when I went into the bathroom at lunch the walls were covered in slander about myself.
CP: Ahar, I remember that!
ST: All in lipstick, too, if I recall correctly. Walls. Mirrors. Everything. I was devestated.
CP: I know how much you love walls.
CP: My name is Sam Tacon, in my previous life I was _________.
CP: My name is Sam Tacon and I just won a billion Canadian dollars, I’m totally going to______.
ST: pay off any and all of my and my family’s debt. Make a savings account for my niece’s college education. Buy a little house in Red Bank or Bayhead. Then buy an electric car and travel around the world for a year.
CP: My name is Sam Tacon, and if I would certainly kill _______ in order to have sex with the hottest man on the planet _______.
ST: Blank 1: Dick Cheney Blank 2. Brad Pitt
The Basically Personal Questions Portion of the Interview
CP: What three fictional alien races best describe you?
ST: I guess, ET, because he’s kind. I don’t know any other aliens though…
CP: The Omicronians of Omicron Persei 8? What about Chewbacca, because he’s a good friend. He always speaks his mind.
ST: Oh yeah! Ewoks, too. My dog Maurice resembles an Ewok, so I’ll go with them.
CP: Do you believe in God? Why not?
ST: I’m agnostic. I think it’s silly to dwell on something that we will never ever for sure. Until we die, that is. Organized religion sucks worse than atheism. I’m on Facebook, and on my feed it reads: Carmen Petaccio and Chris Rutter are now friends.
Note: How can anyone can believe in God after that.
CP: Organized religion sucks worse than stubbed toes, but what sucks about atheism?
ST: Nothing.I used to identify as as an atheist, but I felt ignorant.
CP: Because you were denying the possibility?
ST: I’m gonna go ahead and say there probably is no God. But I can’t know for sure. And I was like pretty outspoken and devout about [atheism]. One of my friends is a Christian, and I really hurt her feelings with a lot of things I would say, so once I thought about it more, I was like well there is no way to prove it either way.
Note: See The Bible.
ST: I guess I’ll call myself agnostic. Maybe Tom Cruise is right. Can I use him as one of my aliens?
CP: You may.
CP: What is your dream job (This excludes musician and rabbi)?
ST: I would love to work for the This American Life podcast. I think they do some really fascinating pieces. And Ira Glass is the man.
CP: What aspect of child kidnapping do you most envy and why?
ST: That is my worst fear. I don’t think I can answer that.
CP: How about child kidnapping in conjunction with child rape and child murder?
ST: I guess, not having to go to school? I hated going to school as a kid. I was always in the nurse’s office.
CP: Child kidnappers are just the medicine.
CP: You have been elected The President of the United States in a landslide win over Bay City Extension Cord in the 2016 election. What policies would you enact? Which would you discontinue?
ST: I would completely do away with our current foreign policy, and really all foreign policy post WW2. We cannot keep policing the world. I would cut the defense budget a whole lot. I would put most of the budget toward education and a single payer health care system. I would legalize all drugs, but not because of a hippie “let’s all get high” sentiment, because it’s all in the hands of criminals right now. I would do a lot differently.
CP: How much of the defense budget would be rerouted to construct the time machine you would require to change the United States’ post-World War 2 foreign policy?
ST: I would instate the Tacon Doctrine, which states that anytime a country overthrows its current leader-as with Egypt-I would ensure that the United States unequivocally stands behind the people and not the leader. No matter what our personal interests are there. That’s what democracy is, and that’s why we supposedly went into the Middle East to begin with.
CP: What if the hypothetical people are a bloodthirsty mob hellbent on instituting another Holocaust?
ST(cont.): We’d have to deal with that, try to keep them from instituting their Holocaust. If that means going to war with them fine, but we have to lay out our intentions from the get go. We have to support democracy over stability. Tyrants can keep a country stable, but it’s democracy and a united people that should be in charge of what a country does…I have one more thing. I think that all US congressmen and women should make public every donation they receive from every special interest group, and if a piece of legislation that arises that could effect the company that sponsors them, they cannot vote on it. They should wear costumes like NASCAR does of all of the special interest groups that sponsor them.
CP: You’ve said more than Michelle I have to cut you off.
CP: What cause of death best describes you and why?
ST: Dying in your sleep of old age, because I love sleeping, and you are at peace, and you are dreaming. I’m a dreamer, Carmen. I’m not the only one.
Note: Though I don’t personally dream, I don’t believe I ever posited that Sam Tacon was the only person that actually did. Maybe she dreamt that.
CP: If given the option, would you trade lives with someone else? If so, who?
ST: No, I wouldn’t.
CP: Three dinner guests, living or dead, who would they be?
ST: Larry David. Thomas Jefferson. Marilyn Monroe.
CP: Redo one moment in your life?
ST: I would take back how I pronounced extrapolated yesterday. “Extra-po-lated.”
The Word Association Portion of the Interview
The Favorite Anythings Portion of the Interview
CP: What is your favorite website?
CP: What’s your favorite song lyric of all time?
ST: “Don’t let it bring you down. It’s only castles burning. Find someone who’s turning, and you will come around.” Neil Young. #duh
CP: Who is your favorite Knick, past or present?
ST: I don’t watch sports. I’m too indie, but I keep seeing this thing about Melo. I guess him. Is he a Knick?
CP: He is a god. He is the savior of continuity.
CP:What’s your favorite children’s book?
ST: The Giving Tree.
Sam’s Question for Carmen’s End of the Month Self-Interview
Q19: Wanna go out some time?