Ryan Rudnicki is an illusion. There is an idea of a Ryan Rudnicki, of an elusive figure that speaks in a fathomless baritone and makes up another fifth of the Todd Road Dynasty. Yet, that idea only inhabits the most tenebrous expanses of my memory. It is and it isn’t. It beckons to me from the slippery alleys of my nightmare streets, and, when I finally muster enough courage to step forward into that dreamt darkness, I find nothing. Only cobblestone slicked dangerous by acidic rain, a dumpster, a cold wind speckled with evil, sonorous laughter. When asked whether I know Ryan Rudnicki, I feign rumination, maybe relate a grainy recollection of backyard football, or knee-drops, or hangover mornings, or the Christian Bale Batman voice. Slowly, I remember. In that instant, there is a Ryan Rudnicki, and he is my friend, and every shared experience, from two-year-old swimming lessons to marathon beach sessions twenty year later returns to me as only the forgotten truly can. I almost smile, and, as quickly as he materialized, he is gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
Interview Series Day 23: Ryan Rudnicki
CP: Where and when were you born? Where do you currently reside?
RR: I was born onSeptember 15th 1987, Pt. Pleasant, New Jersey. I currently reside in Toms River, New Jersey. On Todd Road.
Note: This is a lie.
CP: What is your first memory?
RR: Wildwood New Jersey. The year is 2006. I wake up in room 312 of the Bolero Motel. The room is covered in blood, semen, and vomit. That is also my last memory.
CP: What is your animus or power animal?
RR: A piranha that rides party waves.
CP: What was the angriest you ever were?
RR: The time I saw George smile.
Note: This is a lie.
CP: What is the last song you listened to and how did it affect you emotionally?
RR: Papercut by Linkin Park. I have no emotions.
Note: This is true.
The Sentence Completion Portion of the Interview
CP: My name is Ryan Rudnicki, whilst lying to everyone I know, I am stabbed in the back by the last person I would ever expect to backstab me, that person is ______.
RR: Samantha Tacon.
Note: This is a lie.
CP: My name is Ryan Rudnicki, my greatest alcoholic triumph was _______.
RR: Destroying and not remembering anything about your condo in Seaside for 6 straight years.
CP: My name is Ryan Rudnicki, in my previous life I was _________.
RR: I am currently in my previous life.
CP: My name is Ryan Rudnicki and I just won a billion Canadian dollars I’m totally going to _______.
RR: Open up Oxygym with my friends. Celebrity sponsors are Darrien Barnes and The Situation.
CP: My name is Ryan Rudnicki, and if Brody my dog was given the gift of speech, and I could only ask him one question before he lost that gift forever, I would ask him _____.
RR: What was going through his mind when he ate that glass Coors Light bottle.
The Basically Personal Questions Portion of the Interview
CP: What three Pokemon best describe you?
RR: Psyduck, Jigglypuff, Smoochum.
Note: This is a lie. Answer=#132 Ditto
RR(cont.):Wait. Maybe Wobbuffet as well. Actually I don’t like that question. What three words best describe me? Tan. Mystery. Man
CP: Do you believe in God? Why not?
RR: No. I believe in Dustin Garver.
CP: If given the chance to magically give Adam Sandler terminal malaria, in turn helping him save what little comedic face he has left, by dying, would you?
RR: Yes…after I see Grown Ups 2.
CP: What is your dream job(This excludes owner of Oxygym)?
RR: Owner of Oxygym. I don’t care if you exclude it. But as a backup, T Sardoni has casted me for the lead role in his first motion picture. I’m not at liberty to discuss the plot or my role.
CP: What aspect of World of Warcraft do you most envy and why?
RR: I know nothing about World of Warcraft. I had girlfriends in high school.
CP: You have been elected The President of the United States in a landslide win over Elliott in the 2016 election. What policies would you enact? Which would you discontinue?
RR: I would legalize drunk driving as Kyle Kraig had previously stated. “Driving while having fun,” as he so elegantly put it. I would discontinue taxes and public urination fines.
CP: What handicap best describes you and why?
RR: Blind as a Bat.
CP: If given the option, would you trade lives with someone else? If so, who?
RR: No. I already occupy too many lives for one normal man to handle.
Note: This would be the truth, if Ryan were normal. Ergo, this is a lie.
CP:Three dinner guests living or dead who would they be?
RR: Christian Bale, Kelli Kraig, and Kirk Douglas, as he is both alive and dead at the same time
CP: Redo one moment in your life?
RR: All the moments in my life that I would redo, I do not remember
The Word Association Portion of the Interview
RR: Creed Bratton!
RR: Sookie Stackhouse!
The Favorite Anythings Portion of the Interview
CP: What’s your favorite malodorous smell?
RR: A Will Zurich fart, more commonly known as a Zart.
CP: What is your favorite song lyric of all time?
RR: “And you meet new friends and tie some yarn, and that’s how you do the Scarn.”
CP: Who is your favorite famous assassin?
RR: Easy. Felix Yusupov.
CP: What’s your favorite part of the Miami Dolphins?
RR: Chad Pennington and Fergie.
Ryan’s Question for Carmen’s End of the Month Self-Interview
Q23: I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for mystery and tan skin. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don’t know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip[?]