To facilitate my actual doing of the thing, I have compiled the questions for my End of the Month Self-Interview below, and while a portion of these are only posable to me, those that aren’t are inquiries of the highest philosophical and inward-looking order. Feel free to ask yourself, “Why is Kermit the Frog existential?” Your answer may surprise you, or maybe it won’t, because it’s you answering a question you asked yourself that you’ve potentially read before, and “It Ain’t Easy Being Green” is on Youtube. I will endeavor to scrounge up the un-asked asks, though I believe I may not have asked those asks on purpose, to afford me the necessary time to feasibly summon up the mental and spiritual backbone this will certainly, undoubtedly require.
Brian Tirpak: If you were the owner of a bar, what would that bar be like?
Agnes “Noni” Ricci: Where do you [Carmen Petaccio] see yourself in twenty years ?
Greg Zuk: What will your first novel be about?
Michelle Farro: If the ghost of David Foster Wallace came to your bedside and told you that in thirteen seconds he would disappear, what would you say to him?
Kyle Kraig: Would you rather be an X-Man or a character from Captain Planet?
Jenna Otiepka Heffern: How could seventh grade me not want to go steady with seventh grade you, especially considering how incredible and handsome you were even at that formative age?
Angela “Banjo” Lombardi: Since you are the greatest fiction writer of your generation, where will you be in your writing career by the time you’re thirty ?
Anthony Rombardo: Were you being pretentious, or did you really want to use the word sobriquet on your website?
Chris McGowan: If you had to marry one of the interviewees, who would you marry, where would it be, and which other interviewees would not be invited to the wedding, if any?
Alena “Laney Boggs” Crescenzo: How does it make you feel that every time I read your blog I have to use the dictionary widget on my mac?
Anna Karenina Bodenhamer: How is Kermit the Frog existential?
Stefano “Steffy” Daneri: If you could write the screenplay for any book you have read, which one would it be (and it cannot be INFINITE JEST)?
Theresa Petaccio: If you had to change one trait of yours, which would it be?
Brian “Big Gun” Petaccio: In as little depth as possible, where do you see yourself in the future?
Sarah Ramirez: Aside from David Bowie Petaccio, what would you name our three sons?
Justin “Garber” Garber: What national holiday would you like to create, and which one would you like to eliminate?
Will “The Zurich” Zurich: What would be your ideal heaven and your most feared idea of hell?
Enrico “Rico” Caruso: At some point in the near future all women become inexplicably sterile. You are the last surviving woman on earth with viable ovaries. All men have moved to Chris McGowan’s Lunar colony (He and Sam Rockwell invented technologies to create synthetic Gravity). The only two suitors left on earth are George and Kyle. Which man saves humanity?
Sam Tacon: Wanna go out some time?
Dahyun Lee: If you had the opportunity to make one movie-unlimited budget and unlimited resources-what would that movie be about? And who would be on the soundtrack?
Nick “New School” Ray-Keeffe: What is your favorite song lyric of all time and why?
If you could only spend one more day/night with every one of your interviewees, what would that day/night entail? Money and boundaries are insignificant here, and you gotta do one for everyone.
“Ryan” “Rudnicki”: I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for mystery and tan skin. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don’t know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip[?]
Eugene “Genesar” Sardoni: How did lesbianism affect The Crimean War?
Austin “Ausar” Sardoni: If Rolando was a character in the 1999 film “Big Daddy,” would he be in the scene where they pee on the brick wall? Why or why not?
Taylor “T” Sardoni: When you and Sarah get married, can I be best man?
Andrea Petaccio: Why are you never serious? It’s rude.
Carmen Petaccio: Why do you do this yourself [me, you]?