Andrea Petaccio is my sister and the most virtuosic napper currently living. When I was three-years-old, Andrea was two-years-old and I attempted to murder her by driving the head of a sand wedge roughly two inches into her skull. Thankfully, she survived, and the scar that traces her hairline demarcates not only where my decades of brotherly failings commenced but when Andrea first firmly demonstrated the indefatigable nature of her being. Little has changed in years since. I continue to fail at most everything, and Andrea ensures, loudly, that I am aware of this, that I try to try more. But never, never does her voice even hint at disdain, or disappointment, or love lost. Deep down, she loves her brother, and, wonderfully and surface-levelly, she loves her brother. A simple selection of our recent text conversations demonstrates:
RECENT TEXT EXCHANGES BETWEEN A.M. PETACCIO & C.A. PETACCIO
Jan 29 2011.
Her: HOW DID WE GET HOME LAST NIGHT
Feb 1 2011.
Her: NONI HAS CHALLENGED US WE CANNOT BACK DOWN
Feb 2 2011
Her: I hate you
Her: Many reasons
Feb 4 2011
Her: I miss you
Me: I miss you!
Feb 22 2011
Her: WTF YO
March 4 2011
Her: Lada puked all over the house again
March 7 2011
Her: There is a duck in Brooklyn’s belly
March 22 2011
Her: H8 U
Me: No you don’t.
Her: Ur right.
Me: Love you too.
Her: luv u 2.
END TEXT TRANSCRIPT OF TEXTS
I made that last one up, but not really, because if the truth isn’t stretched, and what’s said is what’s meant, it’s not made up, really.
Interview Series Day 27: Andrea Petaccio
CP: Where and when were you born? Where do you currently reside?
AP: I was born in Point Pleasant New Jersey on September 7th, 1989 at 9:11am. I currently reside in Seaside Park New Jersey.
CP: What is your first memory?
AP: You trying to kill me with a golf club.
Note: Whoops daisies.
CP: What is your animus or power animal?
CP: What is was the most perverted advice you ever received?
AP: I cannot recall, but probably something George said.
CP: What is the last movie you watched and how did it affect you emotionally?
AP: The last movie I watched was Twilight. It made me so happy, inside.
The Sentence Completion Portion of the Interview
CP: My name is Andrea Petaccio, whilst writing a letter to my brother detailing how I miss him so much, I realize that he is the most amazing human being currently living, that a simple letter is inadequate, and the only method to properly honor his awesomeness is _________.
AP: to get his face tattooed on my face.
CP: My name is Andrea Petaccio, my greatest dancing triumph was _______.
AP: Jersey Turnpike JK!
CP: My name is Andrea Petaccio, in my previous life I was _________.
AP: A princess.
CP: My name is Andrea Petaccio and I just won a billion Canadian dollars I’m totally going to______.
AP: Buy Mom whatever she wants, then buy lots of shoes.
Note: Note I receive not a single Canadian dollar.
CP: My name is Andrea Petaccio, and if I had to choose between Edward and Jacob, I would choose _______.
AP: Edward ❤ [sic].
The Basically Personal Questions Portion of the Interview
CP: What three endangered species best describe you?
AP: Sea turtle, Asian Elephant, Polar Bear.
CP: Do you believe in God? Why not?
AP: Yes I do.
CP: What aspect of Lada do you hate the most? Other than everything?
AP: When he pukes Nobi sushi all over our couch every weekend then doesn’t clean it up and continues to yell “fuck you” at me.
CP: What is your dream job (This excludes founding Preloved Couture)?
AP: Owner of a major fashion company.
CP:What aspect of Athlete’s Foot do you most envy and why?
AP: Everything. I hate feet.
CP: You have been elected The President of the United States in a landslide win over Marly the Marlin in the 2016 election. What policies would you enact? Which would you discontinue?
AP: I have no idea. I would probably have a law against people stealing people’s marlins. Also, I would allow dogs on the beach and change immigration laws & have better laws concerning welfare.
CP: What religious observance best describes you and why?
AP: Thanksgiving. Food & napping. But that is not religious. So Christmas. Presents, food, & napping.
CP: If given the option, would you trade lives with someone else? If so, who?
AP: No, but if I had to it would be the girl marrying Prince William.
CP: Three dinner guests living or dead who would they be?
AP: Meemers. Nick Jonas. Mom.
CP: Redo one moment in your life?
AP: No. My life is fab [sic].
The Word Association Portion of the Interview
The Favorite Anythings Portion of the Interview
CP:What’s your favorite N*Sync song?
AP: All of them. No joke.
CP: What is your favorite song lyric of all time?
AP: “Beat that beat up”-DJ Pauly D
CP: Who is your favorite historical figure and why?
AP: Stephan A. Douglas, because he was the great debater.
CP: What’s your favorite aspect of Indian culture?
AP: The smelly food.
Andrea’s Question for Carmen’s End of the Month Self-Interview
Q27: Why are you never serious? It’s rude.