I am proud. “Death Professor,” my first post two days ago, received sixty views. Now, granted: forty of those views were actually just me checking again and again for spelling / grammatical errors and looking to see if anyone had left any comments. And granted: site traffic dropped off significantly for my second post, “Preview: Summer 011.” Nevertheless, I am counting my time at BPOFD a success.
That’s because my posts here are still immensely more popular than my next most successful internet venture.
In my more than two years as CosbyLover13 at OKCupid.com, a dating website for lesbians and crazy people, I have received about six private messages and was “poked” one time. I had one brief texting relationship with a young girl who did not appreciate my very funny jokes about her baby, and I have never received one of those awesome messages that OKCupid sends some people informing them that they are one of the site’s “better looking members,” and that from now on they will only be given “more attractive matches.” So, far from having the intended effect of making me feel better about myself by showing me how pathetic everyone else is, OKCupid has only made me feel worse. If you can’t get a date on OKCupid, you’re probably never gonna have a hot wife and eight babies like you want to.
My stint as guest blogger ends tomorrow. I will not have this forum (20 views!) for long. If ever there was a chance to show the world what I have to offer, it is right now. For those of you who know me, I beg you to forget everything and judge me solely on the basis of the information I provide. And for those of you who stumble across this blog accidentally, searching for “Order of the United States of America” or “Michelle Farro Toms River NJ” or “French bulldog drunk,” my name is Chris McGowan, and my email is firstname.lastname@example.org, and it’s nice to meet you. Hit me up.
Chris, 23, Fat now, No shame, Email for pics
Potential cute pet-names: Prof Scum, McG
Kinsey Score (0-6, 0 being the best): 3.2
Favorite quotes: “Did you know, Mr. Torrance, that your son is a no-good-cook?”
Relevant experience: “Dated” Amanda Billingham summer after eighth grade for two weeks. Took KimMcKenzie to Junior Prom. Went to Rutgers University – New Brunswick. Was Tirpak’s date to his sister’s wedding
Physical description: Fat now. Ears. Glinting eyes. Moustache sometimes. Pale. Broken left foot
Physical ailments: Broken left foot. Stomach aches. Headaches. Back / neck. Skin cancer
Future career: DJ, Public Radio, Princeton, NJ
Current income: $70.00 per Friday until June starts. Also still have 600 euros in my French bank account
Potential selling points: I read books. I lived in France. Tall. I play guitar. High school quarterback.
Reasons why they’re not actually selling points: I read books sometimes. I lived in Nogent-sur-Oise, France, in a boarding school with fourteen year-olds. Tall and goofy. I play one song on guitar. NOT!
Dopplegangers: Quentin Tarantino, Ben Roethlisberger, James Van Der Beek, Marc Gasol, my Uncle Mike
What I’m looking for: Someone tanner than me, but not so tan as to make me look like a ghost in the wedding photos. Someone richer than me, but not in such a way that I feel like I have to go get a job to compete with you
Picture of our perfect life together (after retirement): We live in an old country house on top of a hill somewhere down South. I get up at 4 AM every morning for no reason, walk down to the barn and feed the horses and chickens. You wake up at 11 or 12 and for the rest of the day we sit on the porch, reading and watching the tall grasses swaying back and forth in the wind. We drink wine with dinner and then listen to the crickets at night. We sleep with the windows open. I die fairly young and then you get to move off the farm and do whatever you want
Talents / skills: Can type without looking at the keyboard, except for numbers and punctuation marks. Excellent, excellent wingman. Slightly above-average standardized test taker. Dancing with my tie. Can speak beginner-level French. Ingratiating myself into friends’ families. Will always text you back
Potential drawbacks of dating me: You know, all of it. But… I am very loving
Absolute requirement for dating me: Must accept and be OK with the fact that Monday – Friday nights are reserved for sitting in T’s basement with he and Unks. Saturday night is Hook’s night
Other options if you have not liked what you’ve seen here today: Unks – Beautiful, hard-working man’s man. T – Hair, jokes, movies. Dan Tour – Artist, quiet, sex. Carmen – Businessman, writer, tweeter. GeneSar – A little bit older… but a genuinely good man. Figs – World traveller, speaks Spanish, kisses girls.