Since the inception of BABY PICTURES OF FAMOUS DICTATORS, the single-most requested topic of discussion involves one of modern culture’s most divisive topics. That topic is a question. Like the great questions of existence, it is easily posed, complex, frustrating in its answering. Pressed to confront the question, your response says as much about you as anything can, more, potentially. For months my inbox has been inundated with requests that I examine the question. Some requests are blank messages with the question posed boldly in the subject line. Others are lofty, expansive analyses of the very same query. No matter the manner of approach, the question is never answered to the requester’s content, and I feel it my duty to seek impossible success where so many have failed, to answer the un-answerable, to unite the two schools of thought under a single banner of intellectual equanimity.
I will begin with the question.
Q: Is Chris Lada’s Undistinguished Nose His Greatest Aesthetic Flaw?
Before delving, it is important to establish that the human form is, unfortunately and un-unfortunately, in constant flux. This analysis refers solely to the “Post-Faux-Hawk (from here on PFHL)” iteration of Chris Lada, and should be consulted only as a reference in subsequent examinations and scholarly writings. This should not downplay the importance of “Faux-Hawk (from here on FHL)” Lada as a counterpoint and perspectival tool though. The PFHL v. FHL Discrepancy is integral to understanding the nuances and minutiae of this puzzle of puzzles, as the following will come to demonstrate.
Nothing de-blurs the analytical lens like reducing the scope of analysis. In this case, that means eliminating the facets of the PFHL facial conundrum that increase the Lada Attractiveness Index as opposed to reducing it, the aesthetic assets. The one area of unanimous agreement with regards to the Q is that Chris Lada has beautiful teeth. His smile is warm, inviting, with a minimization of gum display and no hints of orthodonture’s sterile, precise alignment. Continuing in this vein, Chris is comfortably tall and slender in build, both clear virtues. These are his true assets, physically. A more debatable trait would be the eyebrows, which seems to strike either as artificially manicured to a fault or a testament to the balance between rugged masculinity and a mindful hygienic estimation. Closer examination leans toward the latter. There are noticeable dissimilarities between the two eyebrows, a direct deviation from the facial symmetry that buttresses the modern concept of attractiveness. The right eyebrow even overgrows its allotted area, straining to join the hair proper, reaching out like the hand of the drowning to an ungraspable shore. Lada’s ears are of average size and crumbled deformation, and shouldn’t figure into the debate. This seemingly narrows the potential candidates for greatest aesthetic flaw to three: the eyes, nose, and hair.
This is where the PFHL v. FHL Discrepancy reveals its profound impact on the Q. To best illustrate, two pictures displaying the contrasts between PFHL and FHL have been attached.
The picture on the left, the FHL, clearly discredits Lada’s hair’s candidacy as the greatest aesthetic flaw. The picture on the right does entirely the opposite. For PFHL, the hair trumps its competition, becomes the stylistically devoid front-runner for A to Q. What makes the question of Chris Lada’s greatest aesthetic flaw so difficult is that the answer is dependent on what version of Lada is being discussed. For PFHL, the answer is glaringly obvious: Post-Faux-Hawk Lada’s Greatest Aesthetic Flaw is his awful haircut. For FHL, the answer is entirely subjective, a toss-up between a nose that is acutely undistinguished and eyes that, despite affecting a sleepy endearment, lean towards the standard of brown-eyed luster.
Invariably, the most difficult questions trend towards a single answer. It is as straightforward as the questions it answers are complex. It requires a certain sureness of self that life typically affords too late, if at all, and that answer is that you have to answer the question for yourself, and only for yourself, and a select few will understand your answer and even fewer will agree with you. Answering amidst uncertainty takes bravery. In some cases, wrongness does indicate stupidity, but in most it merely indicates a trying, an attempt to lodge knowing in doubt’s stead, to answer one of life’s hardest questions: are you indeed brave enough to look like a big dumb wrong idiot, and to learn from that, and nod and nod with certainty and say what Chris Lada’s Greatest Aesthetic Flaw is, once and for all, for all the world to hear.