This week, BABY PICTURES OF FAMOUS DICTATORS will be celebrating the existence of Lacie Spring Beyers. Lacie is, impossibly, Kyle Kraig’s girlfriend. Before The Todd Road Dynasty was The Todd Road Dynasty, even before The Todd Road Dynasty was The Todd Road Posse, even before The Todd Road Posse was The Kids of The Black Hole, we would get down on our rug-burned knees at night and press our knifed hands together and close our eyes and stare into the wishy blackness of our closed eyes’ lids and implore our notions of a higher power to one day bring Kyle Kraig a girlfriend. Our prayers have been answered, not by God, but by Lacie Spring Beyers.
As with everyone I love, I love people that love the people I love and hate the people that hate the people that I love. This means I love Lacie, despite never having in-person met her. Our total interaction is comprised of two fierce Words with Friends contests and an inchoate Facebook friendship, yet it’s as though I’ve known her since I became capable of knowing anyone, myself included. Transitive proxy friendships are delicate notions. If left untended, they fracture like newborn bones, breaking as real true friendships sometimes tragically do and doubling the tragedy of that because what’s broken never fully was. I won’t allow this breaking vis-a-vis Lacie. Hence, Lacie Spring Beyers Week.
What can you, as a reader, expect from Lacie Spring Beyers Week? A lot, turns out, as Lacie Spring Beyers Week coincides with Lacie Spring Beyers’ first visit to Kyle Kraig’s hometown of Toms River New Jersey. Throughout the 7/11-7/18 calendar interval, BABY PICTURES OF FAMOUS DICTATORS will be providing constant updates on all things Lacie Spring Beyers and her romantic union with Kyle Kraig. There will be pictures, anecdotes, quotes, a fictionalized retelling based on the true story of Lacie’s first date with Kyle. Our on-site correspondents will offer analysis and debate on the dynamics of the relationship, where Kyle takes Lacie to eat, which TV in his house he chooses to host their “Say Yes to the Dress” marathons, which of Kyle’s Affliction tees best compliments Lacie’s skin tone. Barring scheduling conflicts BPoFD will host a Dating Game-esque competition between Kyle & Lacie, George & Cara Lanza, Carmen & Nola, and Will & Whoever the Hell Will’s Fiance Is, with the winning couple to receive a $20 gift certificate to The Olive Garden. The week will culminate in an exclusive interview with Lacie Spring Beyers on how the previous week had changed her perspective on every previous week of her life.
We thank Lacie for her participation in this momentous event and wish the entire world a Happy Lacie Spring Beyers Week.