Anything, Like Jagger?

“Moves like Jagger” is a song by the popular American rock band Maroon 5.  Like most popular music today, it is a subliminal mobilization of America’s increasingly populated herd of soulless drones, a call for them to suck every last modicum of beauty and meaning from the world with their honed fangs.  From what one can gather, the song appears to be based upon the idea that the singer possesses dance moves similar to those of Mick Jagger from The Rolling Stones?  There’s no way to tell, what can be discerned is that from this ashen wasteland devoid of meaning comes one of the greatest similes the English language has ever seen.

Before delving, a Chris Lada anecdote: “A couple of years ago, Chuck (his dad) and I went to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.  They had the different outfits The Rolling Stones wore on a bunch of tours, and I was confused because they looked like dolls’ clothes.  I don’t believe anyone in the band stands over four feet tall.  So I don’t really get the song, because Mick Jagger is this tiny skeleton that can barely move.”

The versatility and hilarity imbued in the “Like Jagger” simile arises from this idea, that you are performing a task with the aplomb and panache of an ancient pygmy dressed in the attire of a drag queen action figure.  To illustrate, please read over a few examples of instances that become automatically wondrous when likened to Jagger:

• I’ve got a 3 P.M. doctor’s appointment, like Jagger.
• I have blood in my stool, like Jagger.
• I really need to clip my toenails if I’m going to snuggle tonight, like Jagger.
• My parents are getting divorced, like Jagger.
• I believe there’s a colony of Mole People living in the crawl space under my house and they are conspiring to enact a hostile takeover of my home, like Jagger.
• I really want Quizno’s, like Jagger.
• Mr. Smith, I’m sorry but the accident killed your entire family and has left to paralyzed from the waist down, like Jagger.
• Pretty much anything, like Jagger.

Hopefully, this demonstrates the beauty of the “Like Jagger,” like Jagger.  If you’re still confused, read this post again, like Jagger.  Or throw yourself down a mine shaft, like Jagger.  Or accept my humble apology for wasting your time, like Jagger.  I’m done blogging about like jagger, like jagger.