Caveat: This post makes heavy reference to a segment from Fox News’ Follow The Money regarding Walt Disney Pictures’ The Muppets, watching is recommended but not required.
Man was born free, and he is everywhere in chains.-Fozzie Bear
When I was but a wee boy, my family had a Rolls Royce. We had a driver–Sam–a leather-jacketed man who smoked constantly but never in my presence who, at my slightest behest, would drive me to McDonalds, Toys-R-Us, the twin nuclei of American wee boy desire. Occasionally, en route, government mandate would force us to stop at red lights with the non-Rolls-Royce-having public. Considerable gawking would commence from the neighboring autos, and I would be prompted to produce strawberries on the back seat window’s glass, all in good fun.
“Why do they look upon us in such a manner, Sam?” I’d precociously ask.
“They want a Rolls Royce of their own.”
“Why don’t they just use the entrepreneurial spirit inherent to all Americans to start a small business and apply the inexhaustible American work ethic/business acumen to develop that small business into a corporation and buy their own Rolls Royce? Also can I have a juice-box?”
“Of course you can. There’s a Juicy-Juice. Now, about your question, there are two kinds of people that don’t have Rolls Royces: those that aren’t able to buy their Rolls Royces yet and those that don’t want Rolls Royces.”
“BUT WHY WOULD ANYONE NOT WANT A ROLLS ROYCE?!?”
“Because of The Muppets,” Sam would say. “Because of Comrade Jim Henson poisoning the impressionable minds of the youth, like yours.”
“Will you let them poison my mind, Sam?”
Sam lied to me. Comrade Jim Henson found his way into my sterling being, and his mind-ringworm has negated any chance of my achieving the American Dream of owning a Rolls Royce. My entire perception of the world has been poisoned by reason and logic by the left wing media, by The Muppets and their communist ilk. My dreams are bereft of the joys of corporate life. I cannot even envisage working for a corporation, much less owning one. I yearn for just political and financial systems that enable every individual contained within their spheres of influence the greatest possible opportunities to provide for those most dear to them. Thank you, Jim Henson.
Thanks to Jim Henson, I believe that I live in The Matrix.
I should have known, should have recognized the telltale signs. Kermit the Frog with his existential musings. Fozzie Bear with his unwavering loyalty to others. Animal with his chthonic rock music. Gonzo and his Mediterranean nose. Those meddling scientists and their stem-cell research. Miss Piggy’s resemblance to Sam Tacon. It was all there, and I could not see it. They were Muppets, but they were also Communists.
Now I am undone, and my only solace is knowing that The Muppets was produced by Disney, a corporation. And though Disney may only have an Evil Index of 8.5 out of 10, I can rest assured that Fox News leveraged the absolute farce of Disney’s brainwashing of children in their brainwashing of adults, which is allowed, and encouraged, and will one lead to Walt Disney’s reanimated head being elected President of Wal-Mart, and everyone will have a Rolls Royce, as it should be.