Potential Names For My Pussy

Over Christmas, I expressed interest in getting a cat to my mother.  While I am an equal opportunity pet haver (Hello, Brooklyn.  Hello, Booda.), I don’t feel a metropolitan setting is conducive to providing a dog, particularly a large dog, an ideal living situation, and I would obviously want a large dog, obviously a Newfoundland, obviously because Ulysses S. Grant had Newfoundlands, and his tomb is the most formidable tomb on the Upper West Side.  But, also, walking the hypothetical dog, feeding the hypothetical dog, choosing what Instagram filter best represents the inimitable adorability of the hypothetical dog.  These are responsibilities I simply do not wish to take on. I have only recently conquered feeding and walking myself (No instagram filter can fix my face), and any furtherance of upkeep could result in my having a nervous breakdown.  Taking these things to mind, I expressed interest in getting a cat to my mother.

Her response: “Why would you want a cat?  They’re mean.  They’re anti-social.  All they do is lurk in the corner and send you threatening looks.  You can’t trust them.  You never know how they actually feel about you.  One second they’ll be creepily nuzzling your leg, and the next they’ll be hiding in your bread basket, waiting to claw out your eyeballs.”

My response: “You just described me.  I’m getting a cat.”

Before any of that can happen though, I have to come up with a name for my pussy.  I’ve assembled a short list, discounting human names (If you’re going to name your dog Steve, might as well name your son Sir Barkington, your daughter Spot.(Reflecting, if anyone actually did this it would be entirely justified.(Do this.))).

Potential Names For My Pussy

1. Chest of Drawers

Justification: I find chest of drawers to be one of the most evocative combinations of words in the English language, on par with “cellar door” and “The Sausage King of Chicago.”  If there’s a greater metaphor for human interconnectivity than our chests being a series of drawers in various stages of openness, some locked, some left glaringly open, then I will name my cat that.

Used in a sentence: “This is my cat, Chest of Drawers.”

2. The French Revolution

Justification: It is a little known fact that when a dissenter was put to death during The French Revolution, so too was his cat, by way of a to-scale cat guillotine.  This would be cat name as political state.  May we never forget.

Used in a sentence: “This is my cat, The French Revolution.”

3. Skrillex Lyrics

Justification: Click This

Used in a sentence: “This is my cat, Skrillex Lyrics.”

4. Sex Scene from Watchmen

Justification: One of my favorite scenes in the history of cinema is the sex scene between Malin Ackerman and Patrick Wilson in the film Watchmen.  I cannot link the scene, because the kids, but highly recommend your watching it every day to remind yourself that true beauty lies hidden in every stitch of our world.

Used in a sentence: “This is my cat, Sex Scene from Watchmen.”

5. Mittens

Justification: Sometimes cats feel like mittens.