What Carmen’s Bringing to Garbapalooza

There comes a time in every alt millenial life when time constraints and baggage fees force one to reevaluate the contents of one’s Hershel backpack. One must reduce the gallimaufry therein into the barest, most vintage essentials necessary for bare, vintage survival. With Pitchfork Music Fest only twenty-four hours away, I today find myself as one of these ones, compelled to pack minimally, counter to my maximalist nature. But how am I supposed to choose one ur-favorite fedora out of the five favorite fedoras I carry with me at all times? By fastidious and observant selection, of course. I’ve done this, and to aid the next generation of pomo packers I’ve catalogued my choicest ensembles and requisite accessories, right below. See.


What You’re Going to Need:

(No Less Than) 5 FRuBRu (For Russ By Russ)  tees and multicolored tanks


1 Chris Lada for Banana Republic Pastel Deep V

2 “Going Out” Button-Ups for “Going Out”

1 Pair of Skinniest Skinny Jeans You Own

1 Pair of Low Qual shorts that showcase minimum 20% man thigh

3 Pairs of David Beckham for H&M underwear (2 White 1 Black)

2 Pairs of Ryan Rudnicki for Michael Jordan Black on Black on Black socks


What You’re Going to Need:

1 Passport with Inner Stamp Proving You’ve Been to Bruges

1 $9,999 Cash

1 Old Spice Figi Deodorant

1 Dummy for Any Impromptu Ventriloquism Sets One May Have to Ventriloquize

1 Jesse Pinkman Collection Breaking Bad Belt

1 Dream Journal for Your Dreams

1 Pair of Express Train Commuter Earbud Headphones

1 Pair of Local Train Audiophile Deep Cuts Headphones

2 Packs of Barack Obama for Marlboro Malboro Reds

1 Pair of Oliver Peoples Glasses for Seeing

1 iPad

1 Copy of Shelia Heti’s How Should A Person Be? In Case You Run into Lena Dunham at a South-side Cupcake Shop and Need Something to Talk About

1 Keys

2 Pairs of Sunglasses To Prevent UV Damage to Eyes In Event One Mutates and Grows Second Set of Eyes on Very Bright Day

Dear John on DVD Because Because