President Obama recently introduced an initiative to reduce the carbon-dioxide emissions of America’s nuclear power plants by 17% over the next six years. To call this move half-assed is an insult to everyone in the world who has one butt cheek. The only logical defense for this pointless, changes-nothing PR stunt is that Obama hopes, in allowing climate change to continue unchecked, that humanity will go extinct, effectively closing Guantanamo and ending the war in Afghanistan. In which case I support this initiative 100%. If extinction is the only means to ending the war in Afghanistan, then go extinct we must. (Though I seriously doubt Obama has the backbone or the political acumen to see extinction through to its conclusion. At best, we should hope for 17% extinction by the year 3000.) Sadly, this non-event is completely in keeping with the futility of Obama’s Presidency, where social centralism is cast as far-left progressivism, fiscal conservatism means socialism, and runner-advancing bunts are celebrated as home runs. But at least our favorite characters can get married on Glee. Here’s ten fun metaphors for more of the same. Booker 2016.
Ten Fun Metaphors for Obama’s New Climate Change Initiative
1. After 150 years of shooting herself in the face with a rocket launcher, a woman decides to reduce the amount of rockets she shoots into her face by 17% over the next six years.
2. After 150 years of eating cum-covered nails for breakfast, a man decides to reduce the amount of nails he eats by 17% over the next six years. (The concentrations of cum will remain constant.)
3. After 150 years of being married to Gwyneth Paltrow, a man decides to reduce the amount of being married to Gwyneth Paltrow by 17% over the next six years.
4. After 150 years of listening to The Black Keys, a woman decides to end her life, but first she reduces the amount of The Black Keys she listens to by 17% over the course of six years.
5. After 150 years of posting fitness cult statuses on Facebook, my high school class decides to INCREASE the amount of fitness cult Facebook statuses it posts by 17% over the next six years. (Just being realistic.)
6. After 150 years of superhero movie sequels, prequels, and stand-alone-quels, the American public decides to reduce the amount of jujubes it consumes during X-Men: Days of the Darkest Future Present Perfect 3 by 17% over the next six years.
7. After 150 years of embarrassing his entire state everywhere he goes, Chris Christie decides to continue doing that.
8. After 150 years of thinking True Detective is a good show, a woman decides to read a book. Unfortunately for her, Amazon has assassinated every living author in an attempt to bully publishers into lowering e-book prices by five cents. The woman re-watches True Detective instead.
9. After 150 years of not singing Marilyn Manson’s “The Dope Show” at karaoke, I decide to reduce the amount of “The Dope Show” I’m already not singing at karaoke by 17% over the next six years. It is a tragedy.
10. After 150 years of destroying the global ecosystem, The President of the United States decides to reduce the amount of carbon-dioxide produced by nuclear power plants by 17% over the next six years. He then goes back to his real job: siccing his flying dynamite robots on innocent foreign civilians.