Editor’s Note: National regret Mitt Romney recently took five of his 22 (!) grandchildren rock-climbing across the American West, an experience he recounted via blog post on the self-publishing platform Medium.com. In typical Romney fashion, the account is dull, whitewashed, and, near the end, almost frightening in its misguided attempt to represent an empathetic human being. Having learned to anticipate this, Mr. Romney has contracted me, Carmen Petaccio, to help edit his post into an earnest account of his trip and its motivations. The updated text follows below, with Mr. Romney’s original work featured alongside my italicized editorial additions. Thank you to Mr. Romney, his family, and his advisory team of lizard people for this opportunity. God bless the United States of America.
A Family Tradition: Our Trip Through the American West
By. Mitt Romney (with Carmen Petaccio)
Having literally shit else to do, we followed family tradition this year by taking 5 of our 22 grandkids (!), ages 10 through 13, on a trip through the American West. My Mom and Dad began the tradition, showing their grandchildren the “majesty” of “our” country, and teaching them about the sacrifices and character of those heartless profiteers of unlawful usurpation, the pioneers. We visited every ridiculously named place in the American West, including Goblin Valley, Spooky Gulch, Peekaboo Slot Canyon, as well as some of the most boringly named places, like Capitol Reef National Park, Bryce National Park, Zion National Park, and Lake Powell. We also explored two of the “gayer named” destinations, The Rainbow Arch and The Grand Canyon, to try to sexually reprogram those unfortunate homosexual landmasses. Then we all peed into the four falls in the Havasupai Reservation, to remind the Native Americans who really owns this land. All totaled, according to my Mormon Church-brand abacus, we hiked over 50 miles: quite a feat for the young—and for Ann and me, who haven’t had sex since Obama wiped the fucking floor with me two years ago.
With the help of Mormon brainwashing techniques, the grandkids were a captive audience, and we taught them about their own ancestors: Ann’s side played instrumental roles in the ruthless and inhumane foundation of our garbage country, including William Bradford and Grover Cleveland, two people I can’t even bring myself to Wikipedia. Mine, who shall remain nameless because of standing claims of polygamy and child marriage, were key to the establishment of our Church, which was founded and persists on lies so egregious that a newborn would cock an eyebrow, and the settlement of the American West, which, again, we stole from Mexico after Mexico stole it from Native Americans. Presh mems!
The “adventures“ were absolutely nothing more than we had planned, with very premeditated and very expected unexpected obstacles during our nine–hour hike down the Subway Sandwich trail of Zion National Park, a breathtaking descent to Mooney Falls, which we all took another piss in, for good measure, to remind the Native Americans who really owns the land in the Havasupai Reservation, and a very close encounter with the rattlesnake from The Garden of Eden, who whispered mean things to me in Parseltongue, a language that, being half-snake, I very much speak.
We came away more appreciative of the landscape God gave us, not the Native Americans; of the sacrifices of the pioneers, who definitely didn’t turn a blind eye to national injustice and slaughter; and of the comforts of air conditioning and home cooked meals and a $250 million dollar net worth!
To get completely insane for a second, we were also sobered by the tragic events in Ukraine and Israel, because those are certainly topics to discuss during rock-climbing expeditions with ten-year-olds. True is the principle that guided America’s founders: united we stand, divided we fall. And although I have dedicated my entire life to dividing the United States politically, culturally, and economically, as we experienced the grandeur of the West, for once, our hearts went out to those millions in the world who suffer because of people like us.