My 2014 Senate Race Predictions

Since November of 2010, the Advanced Analytics Department of Baby Pictures of Famous Dictators has been working tirelessly to predict the outcomes of the 2014 Midterm Elections. Using a hybridized version of FiveThirtyEight’s poll consolidation algorithm, which combines public poll data with the opinions of emasculated men on Facebook who became conservative after their longterm girlfriends dumped them, BPoFD has determined, with retrospect’s perfect accuracy, who will triumph in the ten most competitive Senate races. It goes without saying that these are the most important elections in our country’s history, elections whose outcomes will wholly determine the future of this great nation, so it also goes without saying that these results are posted with utmost respect for the American democratic process. We’d like to extend a hearty congratulations to the winners and the people who voted for them. Long live the Sapient Party. God bless America.

BPoFD Predicts the 2014 Midterm Elections

(Do note that I’m a Marxist who considers the entire American electoral process to be an unrepentant sham. This year, I literally took a nap instead of registering to vote.)

Prediction #1

State: Kansas

Candidates: Mouthbreather McDickSuck (R) v. Cumguzzler Whogivesashit Jr. (I)

Prediction: Cumguzzler Whogivesashit Jr. (I)

Prediction#2

State: North Carolina

Candidates: Colonel Bloodpoop Johnson (R) v. Sissydick Lovestofart (D)

Prediction: Colonel Bloodpoop Johnson (R)

Prediction #3

State: Iowa

Candidates: Why WhyWhyWhy (R) v. A Tractor (D)

Prediction: A Tractor (D)

Prediction #4

State: Colorado

Candidates: Weed Lol (R) v. A. Fucking Avalanche (D)

Prediction: Weed Lol (R)

Prediction #5

State: Alaska

Candidates: Track Palin (R) v. Sarah Palin Named Her Son Track (D)

Prediction: Track Palin (R)

Prediction #6

State: Georgia

Candidates: Probably Aracist (R) v. Probably A. Notheracist (D)

Prediction: Probably Aracist (R)

Prediction #7

State: Louisiana

Candidates: A Giant Dead Alligator (R) v. Rust Cohle (D)

Prediction: Rust Cohle (D)

Prediction #8

State: Arkansas

Candidates: A Child Riding an Alligator (R) v. Un-apposed (D)

Prediction: A Child Riding an Alligator (R)

Prediction #9

State: Minnesota

Candidates: Adrian Peterson (R) v. Marshall Eriksen (D)

Prediction: Marshall Eriksen (D)

Prediction #10

State: Kentucky

Candidates: No One (R) v. Absolutely No One (D)

Prediction: No one wins. Absolutely no one.