BREAKING: Joe Scarborough is a Talking, Human-Shaped Dumpster

pctrd: a skin-wrapped dumpster

Fans of MSNBC political pundit Joe Scarborough, who recently “made waves” with an impassioned tirade about the post-Ferguson demonization of police officers, will be shocked to learn that Mr. Scarborough is actually a talking, human-shaped dumpster. After operating under the guise of a human male for over fifty years, sources close to Mr. Scarborough are reporting that the host of MSNBC’s wholly unwatched Morning Joe is finally ready to embrace his true self. In an unpublished press release made exclusively available to Baby Pictures of Famous Dictators, Mr. Scarborough writes that he is “proud to be a large, steel waste receptacle brimming with dirty diapers.” According to the release, Mr. Scarborough was born in a dumpster manufacturing plant in Atlanta, Georgia–which is itself a kind of dumpster–in a rare event that geneticists commonly refer to as “Georgian Nesting Dumpsters.” Being a garbage-filled dumpster, Mr. Scarborough quickly rose to political power in the state of Florida, where he served four terms as the Congressman for Florida’s 1st District. During his time in Congress, Mr. Scarborough cut funding to Medicaid, supported a bill to withdraw the United States from the UN, tried to de-subsidize PBS, and voted against raising Florida’s minimum wage to an untenable $5.15. “I believe my record demonstrates that I’ve always been a skin-wrapped dumpster,” Mr. Scarborough writes, “but after my latest hissy fit, I have no other choice but to come out and say it publicly.”

The “hissy fit” to which Mr. Scarborough refers is a 17-minute long diatribe against a show of support for Ferguson protestors from players on the St. Louis Rams. Among countless other rhetorical emeralds, Mr. Scarborough rightly states that he speaks for “95% of Americans” whom believe that the Ferguson protests are “based on lies,” and Michael Brown shouldn’t be the face of black oppression because he was “a thug.” Though he is a white dumpster that earns $100,000 a day and lives in New York City, Mr. Scarborough exquisitely captures the thoughts and feelings of poor, Midwestern African Americans in this video. Like a belligerent Facebook commenter hopped up on Cialis, Mr. Scarborough rightly argues that “an indictment of Darren Wilson would be an indictment of every, single living police officer,” that “anyone who believes that Michael Brown maybe deserved not to be murdered also believes that Michael Brown was a saint/angel hybrid known as a “‘saingel.'” By any estimation, those are some strong words from one strong dumpster. Fuck this mouthbreather forever.