Anyone who believes that the American Dream is dead and buried need look no further than the remarkable story of former police officer Darren Wilson. Get this. Less than six months ago, Officer Wilson was just another underpaid, under-appreciated cog in the bureaucratic machine of the Ferguson Police Department in Missouri. Like most real Americans, Wilson was a humble white man from humble white origins. He had a sub-100 IQ. He kinda looked like an albino version of Steve Carrell in Foxcatcher. No one in his right mind would have pegged this unrepentant sociopath to be the next great American success story, but these limitations didn’t discourage Darren Wilson in the least. With nothing more than his gumption and can-do attitude, Wilson was able to transform his mediocre police officer’s salary into a fortune worth upwards of a million dollars. Today he is an internationally-renowned political figure, famous for being one of the most successful state-sanctioned murderers in American history. At only 28 years of age, Wilson is happily married, fully retired, and a living testament to the true spirit of his country. Having achieved so much at such a young age, the sole, final, only question left for Darren Wilson to answer is this: how will he spend his newfound fortune?
According to Business Insider, Darren Wilson’s two primary sources of wealth in 2014 were his GoFundMe page and ABC News’s George Snuffleupagus. Drawing funds of approximately $500,000 from each of these ethically bankrupt institutions, Wilson rapidly constructed an impressive, if structurally unsure, financial empire. Given the speed of this initial growth, as well as his recent retirement, Wilson will need to adopt an aggressive diversification strategy as the focus of his revenue streams shifts from murdering people to personal finance. To assist Mr. Wilson in making this difficult decision, Baby Pictures of Famous Dictators has contracted Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman to compile a list of potential high-yield investments for Mr. Wilson to consider. No matter how he chooses to spend the millions of dollars he earned for murdering someone, we believe we speak for all of America when we wish Darren Wilson the best in all his future endeavors.
How Should Darren Wilson Spend His Newfound Fortune?
By. Paul Krugman
It was John Maynard Keyes who once wrote, “The difficulty lies not so much in developing new ideas as in escaping from old ones,” which is something I think and talk to people about a lot. Before Darren Wilson burst onto the American business scene this past summer, I had been wondering, to myself, whether there were any new business ideas left to have. Well, there is, and there are.
Having watched two episodes of Shark Tank, I know that the key to innovation is solving everyday problems and turning down Mr. Wonderful’s royalty deals. By murdering Michael Brown in broad daylight, Darren Wilson solved a problem that cops encounter constantly: how do I murder a black person, and get rich from it? Cops have been murdering black people for centuries; but is not going to jail enough? Why not not go to jail and get rich? That’s the question Darren Wilson answered, which I’ll get to.
Going forward and looking ahead, I see three main options for Darren Wilson; as I have seen for other people before.
Darren’s First Option: Start a Small Business
Any grand ol’ elephant in the GOP will tell you: small businesses are the backbone of America. (Give Krugman a break!) If I was in Darren Wilson’s shoes, I would seriously consider putting my money where my mouth is, as the expression goes. Why not start a business that trains other cops how to make money off the black people they’re already murdering? That’s an idea I had.
Darren’s Second Option: Liquify His Assets
By the way, another thing Darren Wilson could do is liquify his assets entirely, of course. Investing is great and all, but is it as satisfying as walking into your local Bank of America to withdraw one million dollars in nickels? I don’t think so, in all likelihood. Why should Darren Wilson leave all that money in the bank, when he can use it to fill up cartoon money sacks, then beat other black people to death with those money stacks? In economics, this is what is known as “the business cycle.”
Darren’s Third Option: Kill Himself
This is a high-risk, high-reward scenario, but those are the lay of the land in economics, which is something I know a few things about. By shooting himself in his own soulless face with a rocket launcher, Darren Wilson will both lower the risk of another black person being senselessly murdered, and reward all of America by making it a country with one less Darren Wilson in it. I guess I err on the side of this choice the most. But what would Keynes think, today?