The prototypical Hillary Clinton supporter is a creature short on distinct physical characteristics but markedly long on quirks of personality. Her amorphous brand of neo-liberalism, essentially a repurposing of Rockefeller Republicanism for the supposedly left-leaning present, is a moderate ideology masquerading as a progressive one, and the mentalities of her supporters are a stark reflection of this farce. Despite being an unrepentant plutocrat who twice voted in favor of the Iraq War, 51% of registered Democrats support Hillary as the 2016 Democratic Presidential nominee. Who are these goobers? For whom is the least inspiring option the best possible option? What self-respecting American would support, under any circumstances, the possibility of another Clinton Presidency? (Or, for fuck’s sake, another Bush?) A functioning democracy shouldn’t allow for a duopoly on political power, especially a duopoly controlled by two families as transparently self-interested as these. Bernie2016.
To assist the thinking people of the world in identifying and defending themselves against these threats, I’ve assembled a list, collected below as a series of tweets, of the Hillary voter’s 50 most telling personality traits. Staying informed is the best way to stay safe. These people walk among us freely. They’re out there, right now, watching the entire episode of Wheel of Fortune after Jeopardy! ends. They’re committing to tongue-in-cheek same-sex relationships on Facebook, and inviting you to connect with them via LinkedIn. Raising awareness is the only way to raise your chances of survival. Bernie2016.
50 Simple Ways to Identify a Hillary Clinton Supporter
ppl who like the black keys def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 28, 2015
ppl who advertise how they like pizza on insta def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 28, 2015
ppl who described that Togetherness show as “solid” def voting for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 28, 2015
ppl who were upset abt that dog eating festival in china def voting for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 28, 2015
ppl who are upset abt john stewart leaving daily show def voting for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 28, 2015
ALMOST FORGOT: ppl who own that Humans of New York book def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 29, 2015
ppl who were “inspired” by exit through the gift shop def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 29, 2015
ppl who were “fucking inspired” by Just Kids by Patti smith def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 29, 2015
ppl who didn’t fav my genius passion pit tweet from 3 weeks ago def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 29, 2015
ppl who will “totally watch Goodfellas all the way through whenever it’s on TV” def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 29, 2015
ppl who shared that joseph koney vid def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 30, 2015
ppl who refer to jim morrison as a “goddamn poet” also def voting for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 30, 2015
ppl who’ve ever said the words “that’s DISGUSTING” re a cigarette def can’t wait to cast their ballot for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 30, 2015
ppl who “considered majoring in psych” freshman year of college def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 30, 2015
ppl with a digital only NYT subscription def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 30, 2015
ppl who are proud of themselves def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 30, 2015
ppl who ever thought “u know who needs a graphic novel written about her? ZELDA FITZGERALD” def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 30, 2015
ppl whose “minds were totally blown” by that ‘act of killing’ movie def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 30, 2015
ppl who thought that foo fighters sonic highways show was ‘a fun experiment’ def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 30, 2015
ppl who are shocked by the headline “morrissey says he was sexually assaulted by airport security” def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 31, 2015
PS: ppl who have earnestly ordered a ‘blue moon’ at a bar before def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 31, 2015
ppl who live in Jersey but have like one cousin who lives on Long Island so they root for the Jets def can’t wait to vote for Trump.
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 31, 2015
ppl who got a sub-1200 SAT score but did enough community service to get into their reach lib arts school def cant’ wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
literally every1 who went to those u2 concerts at MSG def voting for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
same goes for every1 who went to those billy joel MSG concerts: Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
ppl who ever argued that “peggy olsen is the real main character of mad men” def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
ppl who wouldn’t eat human flesh even just to see what it tastes like def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
ppl who had a ‘quick question’ about the syllabus on the first day of class def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
ppl who are ‘dying to get a tattoo’ but ‘just don’t know what to get’ are already in fucking line to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
ppl who never evolved their pikachu into a raichu bc of the show def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
OH AND ALSO BTW ppl who saved their master ball for Mewtwo: Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
ppl who were excited when mindy project got picked up by hulu def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
ppl whose favorite harry potter book is, and I quote, ‘ALL OF THEM,’ def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
the person who just unfollowed me during my anti-Hillary rant def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
ONE MORE: ppl who were born after ’85 but still suck at instagram def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
psst psst …your aunt who can’t wait to see that Ricki & the Flash movie def can’t wait to vote for Hillary.
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
ppl who cried when their parents got divorced def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
ppl who don’t understand the political commentary of ‘pumped up kicks’ and ‘just like it as a song’ def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
FACT: ppl who ‘actually prefer’ the 1st bon iver album to the 2nd bon iver album spend 90% of their waking hours canvassing for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
anyone who has ever owned, driven, been near, or even seen a Subaru Forester def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
ppl who’ve never huffed dust off while listening to jimmy eat world and playing turok the dinosaur hunter def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
ppl who’ve never put on all of their mother’s clothes and sung adele’s ‘rumor has it’ into a hairbrush def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
ppl who overestimate the acting abilities of Kristen Wiig def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
literally every1 who did student govt in h school can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
also every1 who did band, of any kind: Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
also every1 who took AP classes but ‘totally bombed’ the tests and ended up not getting college credit: Hillary fucking Clinton
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
AND BTW FYI: KATY PERRY DEF CAN’T WAIT TO VOTE FOR HILLARY
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 5, 2015
@netw3rk ppl who read Borowtiz Report def can’t wait to vote for Hillary
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) August 4, 2015
As always, please send any tips, news, or opinions you may want to share to Def_Voting_For_Hillary@gmail.com.
— CarCar Petach (@CarCarPetach) July 30, 2015
baby pictures of famous dictators 