Carly Fiorina, the former Hewlett Packard CEO who now stands–among her 15 male counterparts–as the lone female in consideration for the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination, has built an ascendent political career on the pillars of business savvy, leadership, and, most important, having a last name that sounds like a type of pasta. Though Fiorina has never publicly identified herself as an Italian-American, her blatant avoidance of the subject, in conjunction with her pasta-evoking cognome, has led many prospective conservative voters to assume that she may very well be a marinara swiller, if not a full-blown mozzarella guzzler, per a recent poll conducted by The New York Times. The confusion is a twofold issue. First, an Italian-American President surely would, given the minority’s infamous temperament and capicola dependency, collapse the American political system within a week. Second, the only scenario worse than an Italian-American President would be a President who lies about being Italian-American, because what kind of insane masochist would do such a self-destructive thing? So, to address the question the Republican nominee seems so intent to ignore, the Baby Pictures of Famous Dictators political research team has conducted months of intense inquiry into the mystery that is Carly Fiorina. Please be warned: the information they uncovered is sure to shock and disgust even the most devoted of Fiorina supporters.
Because Carly Fiorina isn’t Italian at all. She is 100% LIAR.
Cara Carleton “Carly” Fiorina (nee Sneed) was born September 6th, 1954, in Austin, Texas, a city with an Italian population of zero, to parents of mainly English and German ancestry, nationalities that are literally the exact opposite of Italian. While the number of Italian-American residents in Austin has in the time since swelled to two (me and Vincent), it is likely that Carly Fiorina has few, if any, deep-seated opinions about bread. Additional documents also seem to suggest that the politician has seen neither Goodfellas nor Casino, and even if she did see them, she would probably think that Goodfellas is a better film, which it isn’t. (It isn’t.) Worst of all, like each and every of the Republican nominees, Carly Fiorina is a socially backwards opportunist whose economic and political policies would, in the improbable event they were implemented, almost fully derail the train of American progress–more than sucking as a businesswoman, she sucks as a woman, period. Her stewardship of Hewlett Packard cost over 50,000 employees their jobs, but did nothing to stop her from taking a $21 million severance upon her resignation. She is openly opposed to abortion, gay marriage, and a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Honestly, the only reason she is still around is that her stupid viewpoints mirror those of her stupid male competitors. As a proud Italian-American, I am doubly proud not to call Carly Fiorina one of my own. Basta.