(A Note from the Editors: Late last night, the investigatory team at BPoFD received what appears to be a leaked copy of the official itinerary for Hillary Clinton’s presidential inauguration ceremony. The encrypted document was pasted into an email from a since-deleted gmail account, under the subject heading “FROM RUSSIA, WITH LOVE.” After a long night (and morning) of debate, the BPoFD Editorial Board has decided to republish the itinerary below, first in the interest of radical transparency, second because the inauguration will never, ever happen. To think what might have been!)

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FORWARD: With Her: Trumping Hate: Also Stronger Together: A Presidential Inauguration

9:00 AM EST: Former presidents, House of Representatives members, senators, governors and Cabinet designees begin to arrive at the U.S. Capitol for the public, ceremonial inauguration of President Hillary Clinton and Vice President Tom Klein

9:30 AM: The Comet Ping Pong Children’s Chorus from Washington D.C. performs

10:00 AM: Taylor Swift performs “Bad Blood (Official Remix)” with Kendrick Lamar

11:14 AM: First Gentleman Bill Clinton accepts his gilded saxophone

11:18 AM: Vice President Tad Klark takes his seat

11:20 AM: President Clinton takes her seat

11:35 AM: Lena Dunham, gentrifier of the mind, gives the invocation

11:38 AM: The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir sings “Sensual Pantsuit Anthem

11:46 AM: Supreme Court Justice Merrick Garland administers the vice presidential oath of office to Vice President Kim Tane

11:50 AM: Comedienne and landowner Amy Schumer performs “Vulgar Vulva”

11:55 AM: The Ghost of Justice Antonin Scalia administers the presidential oath of office to President Clinton

11:56 AM: Trumpets perform “Fight Song” and the U.S. Marine Band performs “Fight Song (Wildbeat Remix),” followed by a 21-gun salute

12 PM: Clinton delivers the inaugural address sponsored by Goldman Sachs

12:21 PM: Singer Katy Perry performs “Ur So Gay

12:26 PM: Instagram Poet R.M. Drake reads a poem

12:30 PM: Benediction is delivered by The Avengers

12:34 PM: The West Wing cast sings the national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner”

12:39 PM: President Clinton signs official documents. The Clintons then attend the inauguration luncheon at the Trump International Hotel

2:36 PM: The Clintons and Kellys begin the inaugural parade down Pennsylvania Avenue to the White House

6:00 PM: Commander-in-chief’s inaugural ball at the Trump International Hotel with Lockheed Martin shareholders and their spouses. The Clintons and Kings are scheduled to attend.

6:30 PM: Official Inaugural Ball, at the Trump International Hotel. The Clintons and Klims are scheduled to attend.


Dawn: Inaugural Pinata Smashing at the Washington National Cathedral attended by President Clinton and the “Hillary Es Mi Abuela” team. President Clinton will smash the ceremonial Pepe the Frog pinata, and keep all candies contained therein. To be followed by comedienne Kate McKinnon desecrating Leonard Cohen’s grave.